No It All

Sometimes I think about what the world would be like if adults acted like toddlers… at least my toddler.  Yeah, yeah Ladies.  I know you know lots of men that act like babies.  But what if they really acted like real babies?:

• They would stand up in bed and yell until their significant other brought them coffee.
• They would go into a crocodile spin when putting their clothes on.
• They would smile the proudest smile as they walked across the room.
• They would arch their backs and kick their feet when they got into the car and put their seat belts on, and then immediately fall asleep.
• They would cry as soon as their latte was gone.  Every time.
• They would make growling sounds when they saw a dog.
• They would want countless bites of whatever you were eating.
• They would give the slobberiest, most loving kisses.

Well, it looks like no one fell for my April Fool’s Joke… Darn it!  J.I.G.2B.A.B.B stood for Jakey Is Going 2 Be A Big Brother.  Good Guess Aunt Sara 🙂  And no, he’s not going to be a big brother.  I’ve never been any good at pulling April Fool’s jokes…

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Today, Jakey “walked” into his classroom– at least 3 or 4 steps before he freaked himself out.  It was amazing!  He was also sporting a new shirt that says: J.I.G.2B.A.B.B.

Today I got the saddest e-mail.  It was titled: “Chef Dane’s is closing in April”

I may never recover.   Seriously.

A very wise knitting friend of mine once said, “The first time it happens is when you see it.”  How nerdy is it to refer to my knitting friends?!

So according to this little bit of wisdom, JJ never took any steps at school last week and his daddy has been seeing things.  But tonight… tonight Mommy saw him take two steps from her legs to the couch.  March 29, 2010.  Note it in the baby blog!  Baby books are like, so old school, dawg.  There.  You’ve completely forgotten about the knitting reference.  I’m Audi.  5000 G, 5000.

Yesterday we finally found something Jacob wouldn’t eat…  the white part of a hardboiled egg.  It received furrowed eyebrows and then popped right back out.  I tried several more times and was met with a tongue roadblock.  However, not more than three hours later I saw him with a mustard moustache as his grantmother fed him an egg salad sandwich without incident… go figure.

My mom likes to say that watching Jakey is like renting a car: You need a diagram to mark every nick, scrape, and ding when you take him off the lot so you’re not held responsible when you return him.  Ha HA Mom, you’re so clever 🙂

Fortunately, I’ve found a book that has just such a diagram.  Although, we may have to upgrade to the new toddler version. 

Budget Rent A Baby Paperwork

Please pick-up the baby diagram and your keys upon leaving the living room.  Don’t forget to note any impetigo, eczema, new teeth, runny nose, itchy eye, or stomach issues before driving off.  Note all fuel stops.  The baby preferably takes unleaded, organic, local fruits and vegetables.  The consequences of using full octane ice cream, cookies, sugar, or bacon are not recommended and not the responsibility of the baby rental company.  Please return the baby with a full tank and an empty exhaust system.

We sincerely appreciate your business and hope to see you again soon!

Love,

The Management, Budget Rent A Baby

This week was my first week at my new job.  I had to go to a beautiful hotel in Healdsburg, eat gourmet food, sleep undisturbed all night long, and go wine tasting.  Why did I stay in engineering so long?…

Text, 7:49pm:

Jake crawled all around the house.  Looking and saying “mama?” all night.  (I feel tears prickling my eyes.)

Text, 9:11am:

Thank your lucky stars you were not here this morning.

One word, EXPLOSION!  I’m glad his pjs zip up for containment.  (Hmmm, maybe one night away wasn’t such a bad idea after all…)

I have a new weight loss plan.  It involves feeding half of whatever I’m eating to the little monkey that follows me around like those seagulls in Junior High school.

Last night I was eating a particularly child unfriendly meal.  Crab cakes, red peppers stuffed with spicy goat cheese, and asparagus.  I was hesitant to feed shell fish to a 1-year-old minus one day, but threw caution to the wind.  He couldn’t get enough.  I fed him goat cheese with red pepper flakes that had quite a kick.  He wiggled and danced and grunted na na (translation: more).  He didn’t bat an eyelash at the asparagus.  He cried when it was all gone.

We’ve fed this baby ginger and pork potstickers soaked in vinegar.  Blue cheese, goat cheese, pepper jack cheese; cioppino, dill pickles, brussel sprouts, figs, farro with garlic, salmon covered in spicy salsa, Pad Thai, BBQ chicken (this got a smiley face at school), amarinth (I don’t even know if I’ve ever eaten this), spicy sausage, plain Greek yogurt, scrambled eggs… the list goes on and on.  His usual diet is mostly yes peas, thank you carrots, sweet potatoes, baby dahl (lentils & veggies), and mama grain (bananas w/ black beans).

Every so often he’ll grimace and gag, but the little hatch continues to open.  The only thing I saw him outright refuse was called Bollywood.  It was some kind of organic Indian baby curry.  I don’t really blame him because I secretly avoid curry myself.  I sent the second serving of it with him to school.  He likes them so much I figured it was worth a try… and I was desperate that morning to scrape something together for his lunch.  The Bollywood didn’t come home.

The other night, Mr. Grumplemoose reminded me of those career tests you take in high school and it got me thinking… what will Jakey be when he grows-up?  Unfortunately for Jake, Laundry Unfolder is not yet recognized as a true occupation; however, he has shown an aptitude for several potential jobs, albeit most are not quite professions.  Here’s the run-down:

• Art Critic: From birth to about 4 months, Jacob was transfixed by the painting over our couch.  Wild horses couldn’t drag him away.
• WWF Wrestler: See previous post.  He’s added several new moves and he’s always rocked a good costume.
• Drummer: Everything is a drum. The ottoman, the table, the window, his knees, my face.  Apparently anything can be turned into a percussion instrument.  He even bangs the drumsticks together a couple of times before he starts on an all-out, no holds-barred, drum solo.  He also has that wrist-whipping action down for maximum volume.
• Professional Eating Contestant: Can you make any money at this?  You might think I should be considering food critic, chef, or restaurateur… Nope.  His tastes are not discerning and he has shown zero predilection for cooking.  According to Wikipedia, he might even be able to pull down a little cash, “professional eating contests often offer $10,000 or more in prize money.”  This one seems to be a leading contender.
• Architect or maybe Handyman?: Lately he is quite fascinated with door hinges, moldings, and other architectural details.   He even gave our chest an “antiqued finish” just the other night with the corner of a block.  Or again, maybe that was Drummer…
• Dentist: How could I have forgotten to add this one to the list?  Jakey is fascinated by teeth.  He loves to inspect them.  The other day, we were riding the GenenShuttle and I kid you not, he stuck his entire fist in my mouth.  James would say this says more about the size of my mouth than Jake’s future.  If dentist doesn’t work out, Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist is also a serious possibility.
• Repo Man: Teacher Linda C., “Henry’s mommy packed him a cookie.  She made these homemade oatmeal cookies and Jacob grabbed it with both hands and tried to eat it.  Maybe you should make him some of his own cookies.”  Uh, Jake didn’t do this because they were homemade cookies.  He would have grabbed a bar of soap if he saw someone else eating it.  I am a good Mommy.  I am!

When I was preggers, I got an e-mail every week from BabyCenter.com telling me approximately how big the baby was (http://www.babycenter.com/slideshow-baby-size).  Heirloom tomato, spaghetti squash, rutabaga, 4 navel oranges, and jicama stick in my memory.  I would update my prenatal yoga class each week when we did our roundtable.  I remember I was terrified when I secretly looked ahead and saw the little vegetables enter the melon family.  I silently prayed I would never get to “pumpkin week.”

I still get these weekly e-mails but they aren’t nearly as good.  They’re all about the dangers lurking around every corner that will kill or maim your toddler… stroller recalls that will decapitate your fingers, formula in China, vaccines, car seats.  Why can’t they at least add a little tidbit on “The Size of Your Kid This Week”?  I’m thinking they could add tools and small appliances to the mix: toaster, microwave, window air conditioning unit, table saw, mini fridge.  Jake is about the size of a space heater this week.

Hey BabyCenter.com… are you reading this?

Your 11-month-old: Week 4