wild*life

So after I was contemplating chicken fried steak, I still had this nagging feeling…  “I remember two things on the school lunch menu that I never understood.  Chicken friend steak and something else.  Some other steak thing…”  It bothered me all night, UNTIL, I remembered the other weird steak offering:  Salisbury steak.  What is that?  How have I gone my entire life since second grade without ever running across this entree again?  I’ve never seen it on a menu.  In a magazine.  On an episode of Top Chef.  Never.

After finding this description on Wikipedia, I hope I never will: “Salisbury steak is a dish made from a blend of minced beef and other ingredients, which is shaped to resemble a steak, and usually is served in brown sauce.”

Last night I was reminded of something that has been bothering me since at least second grade: Chicken fried steak.

Is it chicken?  Is it steak?  No matter how many times people try to explain it to me, I just can’t get it.  I don’t think I ever will.  I find it kind of disturbing that this Happy Valley School hot lunch offering is still bothering me after all these years.

Something else I will never, ever get: Weimaraners dressed in clothes with human hands.

(Source: William Wegman)

Ick.  Is there anything creepier?!

Almost every evening, Teacher Noemi, Teacher Linda W., and especially Teacher Linda C., like to tell tales on Jakey.  To give them credit, they tell all of these tales like little giggly school girls.  He SO has them wrapped around his little finger…

First it was bagels.  “Jakey tried to steal Oliver’s bagel.  He needs his own bagels.”  I am doubtful, but I buy him mini bagels.

Then it was Henry’s oatmeal cookies.  “Henry’s mom made him warm, homemade oatmeal cookies.  Maybe you need to bring Jakey his own cookies?”  Ummm, no.  No I don’t need to bring him cookies.  Please feed him his organic fruit.

And of course now Henry’s mom has done it again.  “Henry’s mom brought him breakfast from McDonald’s.  He was eating his hashbrowns and I had to keep Jake away with my leg.  He’s so smart, though.  He went all the way around the table to get to the hashbrowns.”  Obviously this is pretty much the same story as usual.  Henry.  Forbidden food.  Hasn’t Mrs. Fritz seen SuperSize Me?  Hasn’t she read anything by Michael Pollan?  Isn’t she watching Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution?!

Then Teacher Noemi gets to the punchline.  “I say no Jacob.  And he says, ‘Get me!’ and gestures at the hashbrowns.  Henry’s mom and I couldn’t believe it!”

Jake’s vocabulary currently consists of “ball”, the sound monkeys make, and growling like a dog.  But when it comes to MickeyD’s, he speaks in sentences.

Sometimes I think about what the world would be like if adults acted like toddlers… at least my toddler.  Yeah, yeah Ladies.  I know you know lots of men that act like babies.  But what if they really acted like real babies?:

• They would stand up in bed and yell until their significant other brought them coffee.
• They would go into a crocodile spin when putting their clothes on.
• They would smile the proudest smile as they walked across the room.
• They would arch their backs and kick their feet when they got into the car and put their seat belts on, and then immediately fall asleep.
• They would cry as soon as their latte was gone.  Every time.
• They would make growling sounds when they saw a dog.
• They would want countless bites of whatever you were eating.
• They would give the slobberiest, most loving kisses.

Well, it looks like no one fell for my April Fool’s Joke… Darn it!  J.I.G.2B.A.B.B stood for Jakey Is Going 2 Be A Big Brother.  Good Guess Aunt Sara 🙂  And no, he’s not going to be a big brother.  I’ve never been any good at pulling April Fool’s jokes…

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Today, Jakey “walked” into his classroom– at least 3 or 4 steps before he freaked himself out.  It was amazing!  He was also sporting a new shirt that says: J.I.G.2B.A.B.B.

Today I got the saddest e-mail.  It was titled: “Chef Dane’s is closing in April”

I may never recover.   Seriously.

A very wise knitting friend of mine once said, “The first time it happens is when you see it.”  How nerdy is it to refer to my knitting friends?!

So according to this little bit of wisdom, JJ never took any steps at school last week and his daddy has been seeing things.  But tonight… tonight Mommy saw him take two steps from her legs to the couch.  March 29, 2010.  Note it in the baby blog!  Baby books are like, so old school, dawg.  There.  You’ve completely forgotten about the knitting reference.  I’m Audi.  5000 G, 5000.

Yesterday we finally found something Jacob wouldn’t eat…  the white part of a hardboiled egg.  It received furrowed eyebrows and then popped right back out.  I tried several more times and was met with a tongue roadblock.  However, not more than three hours later I saw him with a mustard moustache as his grantmother fed him an egg salad sandwich without incident… go figure.

My mom likes to say that watching Jakey is like renting a car: You need a diagram to mark every nick, scrape, and ding when you take him off the lot so you’re not held responsible when you return him.  Ha HA Mom, you’re so clever 🙂

Fortunately, I’ve found a book that has just such a diagram.  Although, we may have to upgrade to the new toddler version. 

Budget Rent A Baby Paperwork

Please pick-up the baby diagram and your keys upon leaving the living room.  Don’t forget to note any impetigo, eczema, new teeth, runny nose, itchy eye, or stomach issues before driving off.  Note all fuel stops.  The baby preferably takes unleaded, organic, local fruits and vegetables.  The consequences of using full octane ice cream, cookies, sugar, or bacon are not recommended and not the responsibility of the baby rental company.  Please return the baby with a full tank and an empty exhaust system.

We sincerely appreciate your business and hope to see you again soon!

Love,

The Management, Budget Rent A Baby

This week was my first week at my new job.  I had to go to a beautiful hotel in Healdsburg, eat gourmet food, sleep undisturbed all night long, and go wine tasting.  Why did I stay in engineering so long?…

Text, 7:49pm:

Jake crawled all around the house.  Looking and saying “mama?” all night.  (I feel tears prickling my eyes.)

Text, 9:11am:

Thank your lucky stars you were not here this morning.

One word, EXPLOSION!  I’m glad his pjs zip up for containment.  (Hmmm, maybe one night away wasn’t such a bad idea after all…)