wild*life

First it was Dada, then Mama, then nigh-nigh.  Then a bit of a dry spell.

Then came the first Jake invented word: na.  Or more accurately, NA!  This seemed to mean “more” or “food,” so I started substituting “more”?  Now every meal is punctuated by MO(RE) between bites.  Soft R.  This weekend it was paella MO paella.  Halibut MO halibut.  Kiwi MO scone MO banana MO chicken MO asparagus MO wild rice salad.  Ma knows MO.

Now it’s ball.  BALL. BaaaaaLL.  Again, a soft L.  Baaaaaaaaaaaaall!  We keep a ball in the car to ease the baby torture that is his ridiculously expensive car seat.  Any time we approach the car…. BAll!  We’ve created a monster.  I learned an important Mommy lesson when I let him touch a ball in a toy store and then decided he didn’t need another $7 ball.

The other night Jakey was taking a bath and I was saying something, “Blah blah blah head blah blah.”  Jake quick smacks his forehead.  I pause.  Head?  Two hands up, little pointer fingers out, right at his head.  Teacher Linda C. confirmed that she taught him head the day before.

Now he’s quite the little mimic.  Saying lots of things that sound just like the word in intonation, but not always the same letters.  Purple and yellow are two of my favorites (bu-bl, yeh-oh).  Shoe is almost recognizable.  Tonight it was “bath time.”

All on his own he has come up with Duuuumb…  Duuuuumb Puta.  Yes, Dumb Puta.  We’ve had a talk about respecting women, but he insists on repeating this phrase.

I’ve been rubbing something called “Calming Creme” on Jacob for almost 13 months.  I don’t think it’s working.

So after I was contemplating chicken fried steak, I still had this nagging feeling…  “I remember two things on the school lunch menu that I never understood.  Chicken friend steak and something else.  Some other steak thing…”  It bothered me all night, UNTIL, I remembered the other weird steak offering:  Salisbury steak.  What is that?  How have I gone my entire life since second grade without ever running across this entree again?  I’ve never seen it on a menu.  In a magazine.  On an episode of Top Chef.  Never.

After finding this description on Wikipedia, I hope I never will: “Salisbury steak is a dish made from a blend of minced beef and other ingredients, which is shaped to resemble a steak, and usually is served in brown sauce.”

Last night I was reminded of something that has been bothering me since at least second grade: Chicken fried steak.

Is it chicken?  Is it steak?  No matter how many times people try to explain it to me, I just can’t get it.  I don’t think I ever will.  I find it kind of disturbing that this Happy Valley School hot lunch offering is still bothering me after all these years.

Something else I will never, ever get: Weimaraners dressed in clothes with human hands.

(Source: William Wegman)

Ick.  Is there anything creepier?!

Almost every evening, Teacher Noemi, Teacher Linda W., and especially Teacher Linda C., like to tell tales on Jakey.  To give them credit, they tell all of these tales like little giggly school girls.  He SO has them wrapped around his little finger…

First it was bagels.  “Jakey tried to steal Oliver’s bagel.  He needs his own bagels.”  I am doubtful, but I buy him mini bagels.

Then it was Henry’s oatmeal cookies.  “Henry’s mom made him warm, homemade oatmeal cookies.  Maybe you need to bring Jakey his own cookies?”  Ummm, no.  No I don’t need to bring him cookies.  Please feed him his organic fruit.

And of course now Henry’s mom has done it again.  “Henry’s mom brought him breakfast from McDonald’s.  He was eating his hashbrowns and I had to keep Jake away with my leg.  He’s so smart, though.  He went all the way around the table to get to the hashbrowns.”  Obviously this is pretty much the same story as usual.  Henry.  Forbidden food.  Hasn’t Mrs. Fritz seen SuperSize Me?  Hasn’t she read anything by Michael Pollan?  Isn’t she watching Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution?!

Then Teacher Noemi gets to the punchline.  “I say no Jacob.  And he says, ‘Get me!’ and gestures at the hashbrowns.  Henry’s mom and I couldn’t believe it!”

Jake’s vocabulary currently consists of “ball”, the sound monkeys make, and growling like a dog.  But when it comes to MickeyD’s, he speaks in sentences.

Sometimes I think about what the world would be like if adults acted like toddlers… at least my toddler.  Yeah, yeah Ladies.  I know you know lots of men that act like babies.  But what if they really acted like real babies?:

• They would stand up in bed and yell until their significant other brought them coffee.
• They would go into a crocodile spin when putting their clothes on.
• They would smile the proudest smile as they walked across the room.
• They would arch their backs and kick their feet when they got into the car and put their seat belts on, and then immediately fall asleep.
• They would cry as soon as their latte was gone.  Every time.
• They would make growling sounds when they saw a dog.
• They would want countless bites of whatever you were eating.
• They would give the slobberiest, most loving kisses.

Well, it looks like no one fell for my April Fool’s Joke… Darn it!  J.I.G.2B.A.B.B stood for Jakey Is Going 2 Be A Big Brother.  Good Guess Aunt Sara 🙂  And no, he’s not going to be a big brother.  I’ve never been any good at pulling April Fool’s jokes…

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Today, Jakey “walked” into his classroom– at least 3 or 4 steps before he freaked himself out.  It was amazing!  He was also sporting a new shirt that says: J.I.G.2B.A.B.B.

Today I got the saddest e-mail.  It was titled: “Chef Dane’s is closing in April”

I may never recover.   Seriously.

A very wise knitting friend of mine once said, “The first time it happens is when you see it.”  How nerdy is it to refer to my knitting friends?!

So according to this little bit of wisdom, JJ never took any steps at school last week and his daddy has been seeing things.  But tonight… tonight Mommy saw him take two steps from her legs to the couch.  March 29, 2010.  Note it in the baby blog!  Baby books are like, so old school, dawg.  There.  You’ve completely forgotten about the knitting reference.  I’m Audi.  5000 G, 5000.

Yesterday we finally found something Jacob wouldn’t eat…  the white part of a hardboiled egg.  It received furrowed eyebrows and then popped right back out.  I tried several more times and was met with a tongue roadblock.  However, not more than three hours later I saw him with a mustard moustache as his grantmother fed him an egg salad sandwich without incident… go figure.