No It All

This morning I woke-up at exactly 5am.  5:00.  I’m not really sure why I’m still setting my alarm clock.

I’ve tried to break-up with my alarm clock in the past.  Two years ago I looked at my Sony Cube and thought… Hmmmmm, maybe it’s time to upgrade from the clock/radio I’ve had since fourth grade?  I did research.  I read reviews.  I asked for the ideal clock/radio for Christmas.  It’s truly beautiful.  But it’s on James’ side.  I tried to adjust and I just couldn’t make the switch.  I love the simplicity, the reliability, the sheer quality of my 1980’s clock/radio.  I’m really beginning to wonder if it might actually outlive me…

And yet once again, the Sony Dream Machine has competition.  A few weeks ago we lost power in the middle of the night.  My Jake-up call roused me from a deep sleep.  The Sony Cube was black.  Jakey TV was dark.  I stumbled down the hall to the kitchen to find my cell phone.  5am.

The Sony Dream Machine (ICF-C120)

News Flash…  Jacob speaks English!  Well, “speak” may be an exaggeration…  But there was finally evidence of minor understanding.  It was truly shocking.

He’s shown some recognition of his name for awhile.  Last week when we were watching the disappointment that was Olympic snowboarder, Lindsey Jacobellis (is this too harsh?), Jakey’s head whipped around like it was on a string.

Then he noticed the sock monkey Kia commercial during one of the thousand Olympic commercial breaks, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBh3r2mVFR8, and James said, “Where’s your sock monkey?”  And then Jake actually got his sock monkey and said, oooh, oooh, aaaah aaaah (the monkey sound).  I was pretty skeptical of this story at the time.  Until the next day when he clearly got his ball and his rubber ducky on demand.

Sock monkey, ball, rubber ducky.  Three words I know I use on a daily basis…

We have dark circles under our eyes…  We yawn during the day… We have to hit the snooze button three times before dragging ourselves out of bed.  Well of course, you say.  You’re parents of an 11-month old!

Au contraire.  We are addicted to the Olympics.  Now before I get into this topic of the Olympics, I must note that it’s unclear exactly when, but several weeks ago some kind of baby switch flipped and now Jakey loves to sleep all night.  We just lay him down in his crib and then zonk… we don’t hear from him until 5am, sometimes as late as 7:30 on weekends.  I’ve decided that maybe there just comes a time when babies are ready to sleep and that training and book advice and all that doesn’t have a whole lot to do with it.  At this point I don’t know and I don’t care.  This is heaven.

OK so back to the Olympics.  I am a self-professed Olympoholic.  I don’t know why I never noticed this before, but James seems to be even worse than me.  The other night I told him it was time for us to go to bed and he said, “For good?”  No, let’s go to bed for a little while and then once we’re refreshed, get back up to watch women’s moguls… ?!

Anyway, the last few Olympic games I figured we had to stay up watching the actual gold medal rounds at 11:30pm because there was some kind of international broadcasting time difference that had to be tolerated.  It was painful, but it was a fact of physics or the international time-space continuum or something.

According to timeanddate.com, it is THE EXACT SAME TIME in Vancouver, British Columbia as it is in San Jose, California.  I repeat… THE EXACT SAME TIME.  And therefore I am really racking my brain as to why I’m going to have to stay up until 10:30pm tonight I’m sure, to see if Apolo Anton Ohno is going to win another gold medal.  How can this be?

I blame NBC.  When I was a little girl, back in my most formative years… when I developed this addiction to the Olmpics… I remember heartwarming family dinners at the game table in the living room.  It was the only time, every 4 years, that we were allowed to eat dinner in front of the TV.  We were the picture of perfect American family bliss– enjoying our steak and baked potatoes while being wowed by Mary Lou Retton, Nadia Comaneci, Peekaboo Street, Carl Lewis, Kristi Yamaguchi, and Tanya Harding.

How are the kids of today going to develop into Olympoholics if they’re all in bed during the best footage?!  If we start to have fewer U.S. Olympians without the competitive spirit and drive needed to bring home gold, don’t forget, it’s NBC’s fault.  We’ve all been warned about the inevitable fall of the American superpower… who knew that TV broadcasters would be to blame?

Yes, you read it here first.  I’ll probably be citing this blog post knowingly when I’m 90 and the U.S. medal count is equivalent to the historic achievements of Bahrain.

On February 1st, Jakey and I were playing a little game of Pineapple Upside Down Jake while waiting for the bus.  Here comes his third tooth!  Pretty soon he’ll look like this…

Here we go with the top hits of the nation this week on Jakey’s Top 40, the best-selling and most-played songs from San Jose to South San Francisco, from Canada to Mexico.

This is Jakey Jakesmom in Mommywood, California.  In the next three minutes, we’ll count down the 5 most popular hits in the livingroom this week, hot off the record charts of I’mBored magazine for the week ending February 7, 2010.  In this hour, a song that’s been a hit 4 different times in the last 10 months.  This week’s #5 in the countdown comes to you from Mommy and Daddy’s room… Banana Pancakes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dC-KeoegcHg

We’re back.  This is Jakey’s Top 40.  I’m Jakey Jakesmom.  And we’re just one tune away from the singer with the $20,000 gold hubcaps on his car.  Now, on with the countdown!

Coming in at #4 is a song that is sweeping the nation.  It’s popularity when putting on clothes, washing faces, and roller skating, is undeniable.  Here is The Jakey Pokey, sung by the Big D:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E5F2iDg0FU

Next up on our countdown, at #3, is a song not usually thought of as popular with the toddling crowd.  However this song is rocketing up the charts in preschools, playgrounds, and Gymboree classes across the nation.  Sung by the infamous Cheezy Momz, Sock Monkey (That Funky Monkey):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJEyCn6Ozlg

I’m Jakey Jakesmom.  This next song was this week’s most requested tune in the kitchen, the stroller, and the Canary Islands.  Lead vocals by the one and only EmoEm, here is Do Do a Dollop of Jakey:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7SW5aOX2_I

We’re finally up to the song you’ve all been waiting for.  This week’s #1 song has been at the top of both the Breakfast and Snack Time charts.  For the second week in a row, here is Milk & Cereal by M Love & Special Sauce:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJwlN6Rai2U

And that wraps-up this week’s Jakey Top 40 Countdown.  I’m Jakey Jakesmom.  Join us next week for the greatest hits of 2010.  Till then, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

I’ve been meaning to keep a little running Airplane Report Card for Baby Jake.  I’m thinking of it kind of like a batting average.  I confess, I’ve never really understood how batting averages are calculated and why they have to be down to the thousands digit (.215?!!), and I’m sure if I cared, James could tell me…  anyway, here is Jake’s quick and dirty Airplane Scorecard (to be amended as appropriate):

Three categories: Angel Baby, Devil Baby, Limbo (this is where you go if you don’t go to heaven or hell, right?)  Again, James is my go to “expert” on all things biblical.

Flatrock (07/01-07/07/09):     Angel Baby: 3, Devil Baby: 1

Disneyland (01/05-01/08/10): Angel Baby: 1, Limbo: 1 (After the first leg of this trip I thought his average was going to skyrocket up but alas… the flight home created the new “Limbo” category.)

ABA (Airplane Batting Average): To Be Calculated

OK, now I know Dr. Nancy would not approve of this.  And it goes against all modern day wisdom: Looking up medical ailments on the internet is the worst thing to do.  There’s really nothing freakier, is there?

So when I picked Jake up from an overnight at his grandparents a few weeks back and he had a horrific looking rash around his mouth, I went straight to Dr. Google.  A couple of clicks and I had diagnosed it.

James: When is Jakey’s infantigo going to get better?

Jaimie: Infant-tigo?

The good news, my internet diagnosis was accurate, Dr. Nancy was able to confirm with an iPhone picture, some over the counter antibacterial cream, and Jakey’s impetigo is cured.

Fast forward one week.  My throat is killing me for three days.  It’s so bad I can’t sleep and don’t want to talk.  I know something is definitely wrong when I don’t want to talk.  Finally on a Tuesday night after work I take Jacob home and then drive back up to Mountain View hoping that Dr. Jung in urgent care won’t send me home with a case of some kind of viral illness where there is nothing you can do but chicken soup and rest.  Before I went to urgent care… back to Dr. Google.

Unfortunately I could find no real evidence of a link between impetigo and strep throat– except that they can both be caused by the strep bacteria.

I’m on my way to urgent care in the car.  Maybe my throat doesn’t hurt as bad as before?  Besides a headache I haven’t had a stuffy nose or anything.  Hmmm, is my nose running a little?  Why when you’re on the way to the doctor do you think maybe it’s just all in your head?

I fail the quick strep test.  But fortunately Dr. Jung still writes me a prescription for antibiotics.  I kid you not, after one pill, I was a new person.  I woke up in the middle of the night and was sure I had been cured.  I remember this exact same scenario my freshman year in college… the other time I had strep throat.

So Dr. Jung called me yesterday and said yes, my culture had come back as positive for strep.  Dr. Google, I knew it!  Note for internet researchers: Yes, you can get strep throat from your baby’s infantigo, I mean impetigo…

Our life is changing…. again.  It’s clear that our previously oblivious, spacey child is starting to become accutely aware of his surroundings.  Last Tuesday we were playing on the floor and Jake got ahold of my iPhone.  He turned around and I kid you not, pointed it at the TV and pounded the front.  When nothing happened he dropped his arm, took a hard look at it, and then raised it back up at the TV.  Note to self: Jakey is 10 months, 2 weeks old.  (No I don’t have this memorized… BabyCenter.com tracks the age of my child so that I can always cheat in case my brain has devolved into sleep deprived baby oatmeal.)

So, given this new level of awareness, James and I had better clean-up our act!  Over the holidays we watched a somewhat unremarkable movie with Casey Affleck called Gone Baby Gone.  I wouldn’t mention this movie except for its highly notable use of replacement word censorship.  They did not resort to the overused “beeeep” or silent cut-out.  I was quite taken with the sophisticated and most generous use of “freakin'” and “bullspit.”

So in the spirit of Gone Baby Gone… which is actually quite aptly named for this blog as it perfectly sums up our freedom of speech, or lack thereof.  Here’s our short list of potential substitute swear words:

Bulls*#$: Bullspit (One of my new favorites.  Thanks Bennifer.)

Shut the f&*% up: Shut the front door (I must give credit to the terrific writers of the TV show Castle.  One of James’ faves.)

F*#$ you/me/it/that: Freeeeench toast (Not sure of the origins but this one is growing on me.)  My mom swears she has always been an extremely liberal user of the word “fart,” but I’m not convinced.  I’m sure it started when I was 10 months old.

S*#$: ? I have still not found a replacement word that is as truly satisfying as this old standby.  Suggestions?

Today is the best day of my life.

Okay, that might be over exaggerating, but it’s definitely up there.  The first wash cycle has just finished on our brand new Bosch dishwasher.  James came home to Jaimie singing a little song, doing a little dance, and generally putting on a gleeful musical show for Baby Jacob in the kitchen.  Jake is also obsessed.  He has run his fingers carefully over every edge, caressing the front with a gentle and loving touch.  My boy.  Though he seems a bit disturbed by the new red laser-like light that shines on the floor.  For me, this light is like finding one last surprise present in the bottom of my stocking…  a solution to the infamously quiet dishwasher problem of my former life.  Now I have a fail-safe way of not opening the front when it’s still on, causing a loud waterfall like sound followed by “Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaim…  how many times are you going to do that?”

A sincere thanks to all those that have made this day possible.  I am forever grateful.