No It All

Wake-up.

 Baby lunch.  Tea.  Dishwasher.  Baba.  Shower.  Dress.

Jake-up.

Dump baby in big bed with Dada & baba.

Layout baby clothes.

Pack bag: baby lunch, sippy cup, extra milk, wallet, keys, badge, iPhone.

Commute.

School.

Work.

School.

Commute.

Baby hors d’oeuvres.  Dinner.  Bath time.  Dishwasher.

Wrestle.

Book.  Baba.  Love you’s.  Brush teeth.  Light switch.

Nigh nigh.

Repeat.

Last Friday, James called me at work.

“Jame, I’m so freaked out right now, I’m shaking.”

OMG.  Horrible thoughts are running through my head at lightening speed.  Are you OK?  Did something happen?  Was there an earthquake in the south bay that I didn’t feel at work and furniture has injured you in the home office?  Yes, this thought actually went through my mind in the millisecond that it took for him to say:

“Go to fucillofamily.com.”

Once again, the brain flashes.  Horrible thoughts of anonymous cyber messages threatening to steal my little kid…   I pull up our website and there’s a strange, generic landing page.  Huh?…   What happened?  Did the hosting company go out of business and take all of our information with it?

“They told me to update this software and it erased our blog.”

Poor James was so scared that he had lost 7 months of my random thoughts and ramblings.  I have the best husband ever.  I really do.

Today was my first Parent Teacher Conference.  I actually felt a little nervous on my way to the meeting… what if they save up all the naughty things he’s been doing and then spring them on you?  Does he revolt at nap time?  Is the food stealing getting out of hand?  Now that he can walk, is he grabbing toys and carefully toddling off like a drunk little thief?

As I’ve previously suspected, I had nothing to fear.  Jacob still has Teacher Linda C. right where he wants her… in the palm of his hand.   And of course, much to James’ satisfaction, she thinks he “learned” the new belly flop crying from one of his classmates.  She said he imitates everything.  EVERYTHING.  (Tonight he spent 15 minutes trying to open the kitchen cupboards, and the dishwasher, with every key on my keyring.  No, he hasn’t seen me doing this…)

Some of my favorite written comments from teacher Linda C.’s Jacob Evaluation Binder:

September 2009:

* Jake feels insecure when another child approaches him, he needs his “space.”  (The teachers at our school love quotation marks.  Every so often I get a note that says: Jake needs “diapers” and “wipes.”  I’m not quite sure what these quotes are supposed to signify.  Are these code words for something more sinister?)

* Jake enjoys kicking his little legs, over and over. (Yes, that would be Jake.  Ever since he’s had legs.)

March 2009:

* Good eater. (Based on the picture below, this might go down as the understatement of the year.)

* He will toss his head back and forth so teacher will not wipe his nose. (We are all trying to eliminate the booger mustache.)

* He enjoys chewing on books.  (Really, “enjoys”?)

* Excited when caregivers apply sunscreen because he knows it time for outside play.

* Cries when hungry and when in need of his bottle (especially when he sees the bottle).  (Hmmm, never experienced that before…)

The binder is full of all these great pictures of Jake at school.  I can’t believe this one– look at those cheeks!  My little striped bowling ball.  I love the caption: “excited”

Really?  That’s not what I’m getting from this picture… how about “stuffed”?!

04/13/10: Today is Jake’s 13 month Birthday Eve.  You pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?

This date goes down in baby blogging history as the official date Jakey is walking.  Walking!  Soon the loud SLAP, SLAP, SLAP of his speed crawling will be a thing of the past.  Fortunately, we truly have no idea what we’re in for.

One day and Jake is now in charge of doing his own hair.  Chief Walker.  Chief Hair Stylist.  I knew this walking thing would only lead to him wanting to be in charge of everything…

Last night was the first time I’ve ever brushed Jakey’s hair.  Singular.  Just kidding!

Better, huh?

First it was Dada, then Mama, then nigh-nigh.  Then a bit of a dry spell.

Then came the first Jake invented word: na.  Or more accurately, NA!  This seemed to mean “more” or “food,” so I started substituting “more”?  Now every meal is punctuated by MO(RE) between bites.  Soft R.  This weekend it was paella MO paella.  Halibut MO halibut.  Kiwi MO scone MO banana MO chicken MO asparagus MO wild rice salad.  Ma knows MO.

Now it’s ball.  BALL. BaaaaaLL.  Again, a soft L.  Baaaaaaaaaaaaall!  We keep a ball in the car to ease the baby torture that is his ridiculously expensive car seat.  Any time we approach the car…. BAll!  We’ve created a monster.  I learned an important Mommy lesson when I let him touch a ball in a toy store and then decided he didn’t need another $7 ball.

The other night Jakey was taking a bath and I was saying something, “Blah blah blah head blah blah.”  Jake quick smacks his forehead.  I pause.  Head?  Two hands up, little pointer fingers out, right at his head.  Teacher Linda C. confirmed that she taught him head the day before.

Now he’s quite the little mimic.  Saying lots of things that sound just like the word in intonation, but not always the same letters.  Purple and yellow are two of my favorites (bu-bl, yeh-oh).  Shoe is almost recognizable.  Tonight it was “bath time.”

All on his own he has come up with Duuuumb…  Duuuuumb Puta.  Yes, Dumb Puta.  We’ve had a talk about respecting women, but he insists on repeating this phrase.

I’ve been rubbing something called “Calming Creme” on Jacob for almost 13 months.  I don’t think it’s working.

So after I was contemplating chicken fried steak, I still had this nagging feeling…  “I remember two things on the school lunch menu that I never understood.  Chicken friend steak and something else.  Some other steak thing…”  It bothered me all night, UNTIL, I remembered the other weird steak offering:  Salisbury steak.  What is that?  How have I gone my entire life since second grade without ever running across this entree again?  I’ve never seen it on a menu.  In a magazine.  On an episode of Top Chef.  Never.

After finding this description on Wikipedia, I hope I never will: “Salisbury steak is a dish made from a blend of minced beef and other ingredients, which is shaped to resemble a steak, and usually is served in brown sauce.”

Last night I was reminded of something that has been bothering me since at least second grade: Chicken fried steak.

Is it chicken?  Is it steak?  No matter how many times people try to explain it to me, I just can’t get it.  I don’t think I ever will.  I find it kind of disturbing that this Happy Valley School hot lunch offering is still bothering me after all these years.

Something else I will never, ever get: Weimaraners dressed in clothes with human hands.

(Source: William Wegman)

Ick.  Is there anything creepier?!

Almost every evening, Teacher Noemi, Teacher Linda W., and especially Teacher Linda C., like to tell tales on Jakey.  To give them credit, they tell all of these tales like little giggly school girls.  He SO has them wrapped around his little finger…

First it was bagels.  “Jakey tried to steal Oliver’s bagel.  He needs his own bagels.”  I am doubtful, but I buy him mini bagels.

Then it was Henry’s oatmeal cookies.  “Henry’s mom made him warm, homemade oatmeal cookies.  Maybe you need to bring Jakey his own cookies?”  Ummm, no.  No I don’t need to bring him cookies.  Please feed him his organic fruit.

And of course now Henry’s mom has done it again.  “Henry’s mom brought him breakfast from McDonald’s.  He was eating his hashbrowns and I had to keep Jake away with my leg.  He’s so smart, though.  He went all the way around the table to get to the hashbrowns.”  Obviously this is pretty much the same story as usual.  Henry.  Forbidden food.  Hasn’t Mrs. Fritz seen SuperSize Me?  Hasn’t she read anything by Michael Pollan?  Isn’t she watching Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution?!

Then Teacher Noemi gets to the punchline.  “I say no Jacob.  And he says, ‘Get me!’ and gestures at the hashbrowns.  Henry’s mom and I couldn’t believe it!”

Jake’s vocabulary currently consists of “ball”, the sound monkeys make, and growling like a dog.  But when it comes to MickeyD’s, he speaks in sentences.