No It All

My bra is in the kitchen.

The ottoman is in the hall. 

There’s a block in the shower,

Things are up at least 3 feet tall.

An empty TP roll in the dishwasher,

My folded clothes were pulled out of the drawer,

Brand-new swimmy diapers in the hamper,

Clean clothes strewn about the floor.

We love our little rearranger,

He’s a busy little bee.

Just follow the trail of mayhem,

That’s where you’ll find Jakey.

Ball translation Apple

Ball translation Blueberry

Ball translation Cherry

Ball translation Bean

Ball translation Rock

Shoe translation Sock

Shoe translation Shoe

Agua translation Water

Agua translation Milk

Apple translation Up

1. I wish I was Tina Fey.  (I fell in love with her as Sarah Palin.  I wanted to be her after the outtakes in the movie “Date Night.”)

2. Hazel is the word you use when you have no idea what color something is.  (As in, my son has hazel eyes… I waited 21 months to find out the color of my baby’s eyes, only to find they’re indescribable.)

3. Modern Family might be my most favorite show.  Phil Dunphy.  Period.

4. Macs are not that easy to use.  They have funny marketing.

5. This is the end of BP, despite what the “experts” may say.

6. I found out I love the Colbert Report (pronounced Rapport).  His humor helps to distract me from that wonky ear.

7. People in California are trying very hard to make smoking tobacco virtually illegal.  Meanwhile people in California are trying to make smoking marijuana legal.  Are these the same people? 

8. Sometimes they publish lists of the best inventions of all time.  Any publication that doesn’t have indoor plumbing listed as #1 goes straight to the outhouse.

9. I can’t listen to recorded music made for kids or sung by kids.

10. Jakey is 14 months, 4 weeks old.  I’m still not certain what color his hair is.  Maybe… hazel?

Tomorrow begins Jakey’s last week at the Gateway YMCA.  I’ve been sick about making this decision for over a month.  The day I gave Jake’s school notice that he was leaving, I came home and James had to give me a chocolate pudding cup and let me watch America’s Next Top Model.  It only helped a little bit.

Jakey has been going to the ladybug room since he was barely 4 months old.  I know if I did the math, he has spent more waking hours there than he ever has with James and me.  It has been such a wonderful, loving place for him.  Everybody knows Jakey and he gets TONS of hugs and kisses every day.  He even went through a short phase when he called Sylvia, the director, Mama.  Sylvia is African-American…  She told me my son was the anti-birth control.  Isn’t that just the sweetest?…

The only consolation is that Teacher Linda C. is retiring at the end of July.  So, I’ll be back on Caltrain before you know it.  Like the old old days when it was just me and my paperback.  Before I even had school books.  It’s hard to think about Jake being almost an hour away by car, but I know it will be better for everyone.  Being in the car has become exhausting and Jake starts to struggle and cry when he sees the car– knowing that he’s about to be trapped in his car seat.  I’m sure we’ll grow to love Saint Elizabeth’s.  

I had no idea changing schools would be so traumatic… for me.

I’ve decided maybe I should write a product review now and again.  Just to mix it up a bit.  I don’t really have a plan in terms of my criteria for what makes a good piece of baby equipment… it just is or it isn’t.

That said, my first review is on our high chair: the Boon Flair Standard High Chair

Babygizmo.com has a great video review (http://www.babygizmo.com/p/boon_flair_standard_high_chair/102113standard0.html).  My dearest friend Jamie described it best.  It looks like a modern barber chair.

I LOVE this high chair.  It really is the easiest thing to clean.  There aren’t any cracks or crevices collecting yucky baby gunk build-up.  One morning I woke up and went into the kitchen.  We’d fed Jake spaghetti with tomato sauce the night before and forgot to wipe down the armrests.  I silently freaked.  What if the chair is permanently dyed tomato sauce pink?!  Not to worry.  The white plastic is invincible.

We easily glide it from the dining room to the kitchen and back.  It doesn’t convert into 4 chairs like some high chairs.  But then again I sometimes wonder, what 4 kinds of chairs can a high chair transform into?  An Adirondack/massage/papasan/La-Z-Boy?  Does Jake really need to recline at the dinner table?  Hmmmm.

It has a little tray in front which works perfectly.  I do think it’s actually teaching Jake to eat in a small area.  Goodness knows we embrace anything that teaches him the wonderful lesson of containment.

In summary, on a scale of 1 to 5, I give the Boon Flair 5 Jakey Cakes.

Several months ago, Jakey realized he no longer had to be a passive receiver of zerberts, he could also hand them out.  So, whenever he sees a nice area of exposed skin, he leans over and blows on it.  I didn’t know you could zerbert someone’s calf, shoulder or knee, but apparently you can.  Although, I’m pretty sure Jake’s cheeks are the primary source of this irresistible noise…  irresistible to all boys– big and small.

Around the same time, we also taught him about belly buttons.  He’s shortened it to “button” and loves the game of lifting up shirts to look at buttons, and then blowing zerberts.  The danger is that he’s liable to do this outside the safety of our own home.  Apparently he’s been lifting up Teacher Linda C.’s shirt and yelling “button”!  Just be careful if you’re wearing a skirt.

At Jakey’s first birthday party, his Nonno noticed he was doing sign-language for “more.”  What a revelation!  Now we had a silent solution to our public dining dilemma.  Sign language is much less disruptive between every bite of sashimi.  Jakey’s sign for more is his right index finger pointed into the palm of his left hand (http://www.signingsavvy.com/sign/OWE).  His teachers at school must have been trying to reduce the lunchtime volume.

Someone recently questioned this sign as the one for “more.”  James went online to look it up.

Jakey’s sign for “more”?  Technically the sign for “owe” as in, “You owe me.”  Why am I not surprised?

Yesterday Jakey ate his first whole apple.  He said it was a ball.

When Jake was really little I noticed that as he was falling asleep at night, he would practice each of his “tricks.”  He’d say: Ga ga, ba ba, da da, click his tongue, clap his hands, and fall asleep.  It was kind of like a little computer shutting down.  Sometimes he would also do it on “start-up.”

These days we hear him talking and singing in his crib, after we’ve put him to bed.  I’m not sure exactly what he’s saying, but he’s probably saying: MORE, ba ba, bath time, button, ball, shoe, clapping his hands, brushing his hands off like they’re dirty, sign-language for “more”, nigh-nigh.

Last night…

Jaimie: What’s that orange thing outside on the porch?

James: A phone book.  (pause)  Add it to your blog…

Apparently this is Week O’ the Diatribe.

About five years ago, we looked at the three different phone books taking up space in our teensy weensy house and said– be gone with you!  Google has completely eclipsed any need for this baby booster seat.

I do remember the days when I was little, long long ago.  I would hoist the phone book onto the counter and look up the phone number for the 5 movie theaters in Santa Cruz. Then I’d frantically write down titles and times… These days, I pull up my handy-dandy free Fandago app to see the showtime.  Then, a Google map pinpoints my location, providing me turn-by-turn directions to the theater.

I am currently running for president of the household movement of two, to kill the phonebook.  I’m still recruiting Jakey to the cause.  It’s time to eliminate this paper version of the meter reader.  Have you even looked at what’s in the impermeable orange bag on your doorstep before dumping it straight in the recycling bin?  It’s actually two phonebooks.  The difference between them?  NO idea.  One is big and fat and what I would consider to be the typical phone book.  It says “The Real Yellow Pages” on the front, along with ads for a lawyer and a plumber.  The second one is a slimmer more petite version which says “The Real Yellow Pages” on the front, along with ads for two plumbers.  I’d be willing to bet that if I’m successful in my campaign to kill the phonebook, I will be sued by a plumber lawyer.

OMG, I just looked myself up and I’m actually in this antiquated doorstop.  This will not be good once it comes out on the campaign trail…

This week, in the world of utilities, we took one step forward with PG&E, and one step back with AT&T.  “What would elderly people do?” you ask.  They’d probably use their iPhones, like the rest of us.  I’m sure the unemployment stats will tick-up as well with this proposal.  BUT, I propose we retrain and redeploy phonebook workers to iPhone app development.  We must end our dependence on foreign trees.  Just remember, I’m also the greenest candidate.  I propose we save a forest and put a big yellow sticky-note on the front of our phonebooks and place them back on the sidewalk.  The note should simply say: unsubscribe

OK, I’ll get off my soapbox, uh phonebook.