Sometime in the last 18 months or so, our toy chest became the war chest. Gone are the cute little play foods, the American Girl puppies and Baby Cillo. They’ve been replaced with the Nerf rocket launchers and the plastic Halloween ninja daggers and the battery-operated softish bullet machine guns. Outside the front door is a cutesy wire mesh basket no longer filled with little square tyke shoes. It’s for our collection of squirt gun bazookas.
The boys have uncovered an amateur series on YouTube where the dad creates videos of Nerf battles with his little kids based on a casual interpretation of “plot.” My boys pine over this camera shot where YouTube Dad always runs to the garage, opens the door, and angels sing as he admires a full pegboard wall covered in every Nerf gun known to Hasbro. I don’t remember if there are gun outlines on the pegboard. Let’s assume there are.
I’m a bit late with this year’s gift guide for boys, ages 7-10. Shoot me. Just kidding. You know the rules:
No shooting anyone who is unarmed.
No shooting anyone without eye protection.
No shooting while not wearing eye protection.
The kitchen is closed Soldiers. Get outta here.
And while writing the holiday gift guide after the holidays is not ideal (as Jake says, “Don’t judge.”), it did allow me to gauge which gifts hit their mark. Plus we get another shot at the apple as birthdays are right around the straw bale corner.
Last year I came up with Fight, Flight, Write & Sight. These categories still Accustrike, so here we go, but in a slightly altered order:
FIGHT
Laser X Laser Tag: Plug in your headphones and listen to an exciting soundtrack of techno rock, interspersed with clear warnings you’ve been hit and are about to die. These bullet-free guns are the shizzah. The adrenaline and strategic scurrying around the house are a good alternative to cardio.
Bath bombs: Ease your sons into future educational trips to Sephora and Ulta by starting them at the “bathtub store.” Beauty products disguised as science. Play-up the “bomb” part.
Otterbox Defender Series: Protect their favorite possession, or yours.
Harry Potter movies box set: Little boys never seem to tire of watching all eight movies in this epic tale. Not unlike their enthusiasm for my epic Voldemort impression when he tries to kill Harry for the last time… my secret? Imagine yourself foisting a shot put— AH-vahda-kHA-DAH-vraH.
MIRA Lunch Food Jar: Fight the lunchbox blues with these great new thermoses in a rainbow of candy colors. Holds the usual chicken nuggets, meatballs, hamburgers, and leftover spaghetti. Ideal for adding taquitos into the repertoire.
Nerf Rivals: These are the créme de la créme of any Nerf arsenal. They require giant C batteries and make a threatening chainsaw noise if you hold the trigger just-so. I’m fairly certain I saw a red-haired Russian spy down at Tom’s Toys posing with these bad boys circa the 2016 election. A friend on Instagram claims they’re a true threat to the gift of eyesight therefore I recommend including…
SIGHT
Nerf Rival Face Shields & Ammo Vests: Just like they sound. Your darling baby boys now prefer Freddy Kruger face masks to hooded animal towels. Fortunately they still like making living room cardboard box cities as much as ever. In theory the Rival Ammo vests reduce the number of bullets you find in your high heeled shoes, and in the lights of your ceiling fans, and in your fiddle leaf fig trees. The face shields are too big so I recommend wrap-around sunglasses.
Personalized Nerf Dart Ammo Box: Found these while planning this year’s birthday party.
26″ Grabber: These are absolutely one of the best things I’ve ever gifted. The All Star of this list. I may put the 32″ one in my Amazon shopping cart right now. Inspire your children to adopt a creek, or a park, or some other trashy place. Fun for goofing around the house and for retrieving entire plaster statue hands and electrical cords out of San Luis Creek. Inspire and befriend passers-by who also want to help. Welcome junior citizens.
Prank Kit: Not sure which one is best, but this is sure to be a hit. Even just a whoopee cushion will illicit laughter for days.
FLIGHT
Basketballs: When I was a kid, basketball was reserved for the fourth to sixth grade crowd. Probably for a reason? If you have two kids, get two.
Basketball shoes: In this age bracket, the entire interior of your car will be filled with the overwhelmingly hot and humid smell of sweaty little boy. I blame basketball. They put these bad boys on and literally claim they can now jump and touch the weirdly low cabin-y ceiling of your orange house on a hill. They’ll follow that with, “Last Saturday I dunked it, Mom.” Seriously, that’s what they’ll say.
Soccer ball on a bungee cord: Our cousin has this and we love it. I remember his being staked into the grass, but looks like there are a bunch you just stake to yourself… especially good for families living in the boondocks on the precipice of a mountain with no walls or fences.
Wings of Fire series: You may think this should go under “write” but according to the official mythical creature filing system, dragon books go under flight. There are at least 12 books in this series. Unfortunately, fourth graders eat these $7 books like gourmet kettle chips.
WRITE
Guinness Book of World Records: My kid brother immersed himself in this book several decades ago. Fascinating how the pictures of the longest finger nails in the world continue to amaze and disgust seven-year-olds and their moms… searing themselves indelibly into your memory. Hours of backseat fun.
Barnes & Noble gift cards: Hours of winter fun. Also teaches children how to buy things, read prices, calculate math and talk to cashier strangers.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Big Nate: We’ll combine these two series into one gift guide listing. Considered contraband in the second grade library circles… I guess they’re reserved for the third graders? Bonus if you happen to have a kid named Nate.