BeanBoozled

Over the holiday break, Granddad held a neighborhood pony party, complete with miniature neighbors and miniature ponies.  It was great.

During the party, Jakey Crockett and Nathaniel Boone palled around with their buddy Jack and the Beanstalk (this nickname will become apparent later on), climbing trees and fences and ponies.  Meanwhile, Jack’s dad Marcus and I, traded stories on the many hours of our lives we’d recently spent reading the Harry Potter heptalogy.  The conversation soon turned to a game they’d picked-up, based on Bertie’s Every Flavor Beans.

Now Bertie’s Every Flavor Beans, for you Muggles that are having a hard time following, are essentially the Jelly Belly’s of the wizarding world.  So of course, Jelly Belly had to get in on the J.K. Rowling action.  But I mean really, don’t we all want in on the J.K. Rowling action?  So Marcus is telling me about this game and it sounds both revolting and riveting.  I’m hooked.  I need to pin this idea to my Pinterest board stat.

He surprises me later that night with my very own, brand new box of Bean Boozled.

Here’s how you play, although to tell you the truth, we didn’t read any directions.  In typical Purnell style, the boys and I just ripped into the game and started playing.  We don’t need no stinking directions.

Here’s the gig: there’s a box of jelly beans where the same looking bean could either be, for example, chocolate pudding OR, canned dogfood.  You spin the spinner and then choose the matching colored bean from the box.  After lasting just three rounds, I highly recommend a “spit bowl,” paper towels, and giant glasses of water.  I also found that a plate of strongly flavored artisanal cheeses and cured sausages is an important palate cleanser.  My sincerest thanks to our one and only favorite fine food purveyor (Current favorite: sauccison sec).

We made it through:

• Buttered Popcorn OR Rotten Egg (This was really a terrible, terrible way to start…)
• Chocolate Pudding OR Canned Dog Food (For some reason, both Nate and Jack didn’t mind this flavor.  I certainly minded the face full of hot dog food breath.)
• Berry Blue OR Toothpaste (Toothpaste is definitely the best of the worst.  Natesy is sooo lucky.)
• Juicy Pear OR Booger (I gag just reading this.)
• Lime OR Lawn Clippings (I was super excited for Lawn Clippings, honestly.  Probably my best spin.)

What we have to look forward to:

• Coconut or Spoiled Milk
• Tutti-Fruitti or Stinky Socks
• Strawberry Banana Smoothie or Dead Fish
• Caramel Corn or Moldy Cheese
• Peach or Barf

Although this game was bizarrely torturous, I’m not sure we’ve laughed this hard in weeks.

After these rounds, caught by a weak-stomached You-Know-Who on video, watching from the safety of a distant chair, we’re not convinced this entire game isn’t a gag.  We didn’t get a single “good” flavor before we had to quit for the safety of artisanal cheese.

We may have bean boozled, but I’ve totally found my go-to gift for 2017.  It says spoiled milk and dead fish are exciting new fourth edition flavors… what’s next I wonder…

Jakey’s guess?  White Chocolate OR Stinky Underwear.

My guess?  Sour Apple OR Swamp Water…