WWFD: What Would Foochi Do?


WWF: World Wrestling Federation.

I’m not really sure what his stage name and costume would look like…  Maybe a rabid squirrel with a cape?  (Obviously given those cheeks and that drool.)  But, I do know what his signature moves would be (written from Baby Jacob’s viewpoint):

1. Chest hair yank:  This has been known to make a grown man curl up into the fetal position.  Ha ha ha!  (Uncle Geoffrey’s evil laugh.)

2. Chops busting:  This involves getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth until I’ve built up enough momentum to BAM!  Lunge forward and bust your chops with my highly complimented, perfect bald head.

3. Hair pull: Similar to move #1 except that it involves a greater intensity and determination.  Take a fistful of hair and make them pry my chubby little fingers from each strand.

4. The pretend kiss: Lure the big people in by making them think I’m going to give them a sweet, smiling kiss.  Grab both cheeks and pull forward.  Aim for the nose and bite with my two mini tick-tack teeth.  Daddy really can’t blame me for this move since he’s the one who made me think of it… by pretending to eat my nose.  I just took the move to a new level by introducing the element of biting… This one can also be integrated with move #3 for a dramatic combo move.  Yes, I’m creative like that.

5. Kicking below the belt buckle: I do what it takes to win.  Even if that means fighting dirty.  I admit it.  I kick below the belt buckle.  But I mean geez, the other guy in my division outweighs me by 200 lbs!

6. Yelling, growling & tongue clicking: This isn’t so much a move as a scare tactic.  I find yelling BAH BAH BABA or Da Da or growling or clicking my tongue are highly effective.  They always seem to throw-off my opponent’s concentration so I can pull the next move…

7. The fish hook: Put my tasty little baby fingers in the big people’s mouth and then grab the side to execute the perfect…. fish hook.  Extra powerful when implemented with the clavos.  You know the clavos.

These are my favorite WWF moves.  I practice them almost every morning, with extra long matches on weekends.  After first practicing my moves on a couple of Pottery Barn catalogs, I took on the Devious Daddy.  He screamed like a little girl for Mommy to come save him.  I am the undefeated reigning champion!!


  1. This evening, much to his surprise, Cooper personally experienced the hair pull! He was leaning in to give Jakey a hello kiss when, “WHAM”, two little fists had dug into his head and pulled as hard as can be. He looked at Jakey with surprise and a hint of horror that such a sweet baby boy would go in for the cold, hard kill. He wasn’t sure whether to run or cry, knowing full well that he certainly couldn’t hit the sweet angelic baby back! Another WWF win for the undefeated champion!

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