Breakfast Cookies
On Tuesday night, December 20th, we lost our heart, our soul, our James. There is more to say, just not today.
So yesterday I gave the boys the choice to attend their last day of school before the winter break, or to call-in a “mental health” day. Jacob chose to go to school, and Nathaniel chose a Nate Date with me. We dropped Jake at Laguna and then went to Scout to have cookies for breakfast. We had our favorite lemon pistachio shortbread and fancy hot chocolates with whipped cream and latte art. After a quick stop for gas and the drive-through carwash with the infinite blowdryer, we grabbed a soccer ball at home and headed to Avila beach. The sky was crystal clear. We explored two driftwood forts and played a bit of two touch against the overpass wall. After our walk, Nate decided we should go Christmas shopping downtown, particularly for Williams-Sonoma peppermint bark and presents for his brother. On our way home we made one last stop to look at backpacks at REI and endured the 1-star customer service experience currently on sale at Best Buy.
As soon as I pulled into our driveway, I noticed an alert on my phone. It said my small magnetic wallet had detached from the back of my iPhone and was at the SLO Promenade. Totally what I need— to lose my primary credit card and my driver’s license. I don’t have enough projects…
Nate and I race back to the parking lot while he watches the “Find My” app to make sure my wallet isn’t on the move. We check the parking spots where we were parked. It says it’s at the corner of Buffalo Wild Wings. We never went anywhere near B Dubs but that’s what it shows. I ask a homeless man if he’s seen it. Poor guy’s got nothin’. We search the bushes. I’m convinced someone has taken my cards and thrown the magnetic wallet into this trash filled landscaping.
As I’m driving home and kicking myself, I can hear James saying, “Geez Jame. How did you do that?” Just shaking his head. And then I can’t help thinking, “You’re supposed to be looking out for me!” And then I conclude, maybe he’s just busy checking-in or something?… I cancel my card and order a new license for $31.
Nate and I watch the World Cup final overtime and penalty kicks, and then it’s time to go back down the hill to pick-up Jacob. We’re waiting in the golf course parking lot and Jake jumps into the back seat. First thing he says, “Mom, why’s your wallet back here on the floor?”
January 2017, Avila Beach
December 2022, Avila Beach
Classic Nate
After a night of hourly wake-ups, we had a leisurely Late-Start Monday morning. Over breakfast Nate’s assessing yesterday’s tournament competition.
He says, “You know when I made that one free kick from outside the box?”
“Yeah, it was a nice one.”
“The ref came up to me afterward and was like, ‘Have you ever made a shot that beautiful before?'”
“So what’d you say?”
“Yeah.
And then the ref fist-bumped me.”
Sunday
Well, we crushed the Paso Robles Grape Crush. This year’s All Stars team, SLO United, may just give last year’s Legends a run for their money. Nate wasn’t so sure this team could live up to it— but after winning the final against Templeton 12-1, he might have changed his mind.
Aunt Laurie and Terra came to visit today with Baby Barrett. I’m told Barrett was bumping James goodbye and leaned down for a big hug. Babies have always loved James. Barrett has the sweetest blue eyes.
While Nate, Granddad and I braved the marathon day of soccer games, Uncle Brett and Erin spent time with their big brother. Jacob went to see the new Avatar movie with friends, and we all came home to a tasty dinner together.
This morning after James’ shower he was pulling on the door while I was pulling on the door. He smirks and I realize he’s torturing me. “Are you messing with me?” I chide.
“We have to have some humor about the town” he teases.
Field trips
Today James went on a short field trip down to Avila Beach with his friend Andre, while I spent the morning in Paso at Nate’s first All Stars Tournament. James was wiped-out by the time I came home— I never did hear how it went, but I’m told it was a beautiful morning.
Meanwhile, Nate and I headed out at 6:30AM. At the top of the grade we hit Central Valley tule fog, which makes for limited visibility and a surreal driving experience. It was so thick at the soccer complex, we struggled to see our team on the other side of the field. It was a balmy 32 degrees.
SLO United handily beat Lompoc 15-0. Our coach got a talking to from the tournament director, long before the first half ended. They were not the Lompoc we’re used to. Then 5 Cities brought more of a challenge, which you can count on. We were down 1-0 at the half and it was feeling a bit dicey. But we won the game 5-1. Whatever Coach said at halftime made a difference. Tomorrow there are three more games to determine who crushed the Grape Crush.
I had some quality time with Granddad, Devon, Alesia, and Sarah. We had sushi tonight with Uncle B. James had some party girl roll and then went back to sleep. The field trips were a nice change— hopefully we sleep well tonight.
Before his last nap James declared, “Goodnight my loves!”
Goodnight my love.
The More You Know…
It’s Friday and everyone’s happier on Fridays. It’s a thing. The boys headed off to school. I had a short break to run some errands. James took a walk around the grass outside with Nonna and Aunt Laurie. And this afternoon, we had a video call with Dr. Uslander.
My longtime loyal reader can certainly attest that this is not an activist blog. Rarely do I use it as a place to argue a perspective or rail against <insert crazy world problem here>. But over the last few weeks, James and I have learned a lot about a lot. And there are some things that would have been easier to digest waaaaaay before ever having received the worst news of our lives so many years ago.
One of those things is the California End of Life Option Act or EOLOA. It’s a law that went into effect in 2016 and was amended in January of this year. I knew that Oregon had this law, but wasn’t aware that we’ve also had it on the books for almost seven years. Ultimately, it allows a terminally ill patient to choose the ability to get a prescription they can drink that puts them to sleep forever. It provides people with a level of control, dignity, and compassion during the hardest and most uncertain experience of their lives.
While at the hospital and weighing all of the options, we asked countless doctors and nurses for more information. We got stricken eyes obscured by medical masks. We got evasive answers. We got stuttering and sidestepping and elusive procrastination. Every California health system has a website dedicated to supporting this option, but in practice, the stigma was palpable. I was stunned. We can’t have more compassion for our animals than we do for our loved ones.
Having spent eight straight days at one of the world’s premier medical institutions, confronting the most complex and deadly diseases imaginable, embracing leading science and the most current philosophies and practices— how could they be so inept? When you’re watching your very best friend in the entire world suffer intolerable pain, you can only think about making sure they have access to every option available.
Somehow we are insanely fortunate to know people who know people and we were connected to the kindest doctor out of San Diego less than twenty minutes after a conversation with my next door neighbor. This doctor is an expert and an advocate for this unspoken work. He brought deep professionalism, caring, and the gift of his complete attention and time. As we wrapped-up today’s consultation, James said he likes having a plan that he can execute against. He emphasized how the conversation brought him a sense of control, certainty, and peace.
And that’s all I can ask for my very best friend.
To Do List
Sleep has been quite elusive ’round these parts for weeks under a generous definition of slumber, and months/years under an even more expansive definition. Thus, the mental to-do lists have really ramped up their late night visits. On Monday evening, I vaguely register some sort of message to confirm that Nate has received his new All Stars uniform in time for the tournament this Saturday.
Racking my brain… I remember I ordered it when we were in Hawaii. And I know we do not have a package or a post office slip. I text our team manager— what does the package look like and was it coming directly to us? She tells me it’s a white Amazon-looking bag and forwards me the site where I ordered it. There’s a tracking number. It says it was delivered to my front door on Friday. It’s Monday almost Tuesday. I go to bed. This is a problem for another day.
I wake-up in the middle of the night and add to my mental to-do list: Uniform over the hill?
My neighbors said the storm on Saturday night was the windiest they can ever remember.
The next morning I present my hypothesis to Uncle Geoff and send him over the side of the mountain in his Crocs. He comes trudging back up from deep in the woods with a small propane tank, an old porch pillow, and a package of brand new All Stars jerseys.
Night.
Gift
The last ten days are a blur of hospital hallways, parking garages, texts, and rainstorms. We are so deeply grateful for the outpouring of support and love from friends and family far and wide. I know I’m falling down on my texting gig. I’ve been in a night school crash course for pharmacology and nursing. Of course I’m top of my class.
So I’m going to do my best to post a little update every day. Please keep texting me! Just know this is where I’ll do more than heart bubbles. Your texts and calls and words of encouragement and support are the air we breathe. There are not enough words to express our love and gratitude.
So I got home to SLO on Sunday and James came home on Monday. He walked from the ambulance to the house and right into a Christmas living room wonderland.
Today James woke-up around six and wanted to take a bath and shave. I found out he has a three-step shaving process (?!). Luckily he made it happen and seemed a lot happier after some self care. His pain is better managed but keeps him asleep much of the day. We “watched” the World Cup semi-final today— Morocco versus France. James is convinced he’s already seen these games. Unfortunately I haven’t yet gotten a solid win prediction so don’t go running off to Vegas just yet.
All kidding aside, we’re getting by. Our days and nights are hard but we laughed many times today. Uncle Geoff has been a wonderful partner this week as we navigate this new routine.
We have so many loved ones that want to help. Our freezer is full. Our boys have been spoiled with love. After much thought, today I came to one real wish that would truly be the most meaningful for our entire family—
If we could channel everyone’s love and support into our soccer fundraiser for Nate’s team, it would mean the world to us. One hundred percent of what we raise goes directly toward funding our team’s participation in tournaments. I can’t think of anything we’d appreciate more— this is what we need.
These tournaments bring us the purest joy— sunshine, community, excitement, and family time. It gives us so much to look forward to, including Jacob. There seems to be nothing better than a soccer weekend away with a pool, a hot tub, and his buddies (whose littler brothers play on the team).
Our team is called B10 Mustangs for Boys 2010 (even though Nate is 2011). The sponsorship amounts can be smaller than what’s on the form and do not have to come from a “corporation.” We can pool them all under something like “James Fucillo’s Family.” This link is to the Sponsorship Form with additional information; Tax ID 77-0311615.
It’s hard to describe what it’s like to watch Nate play. It is really special— a true gift. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Thirteen with the Sauce
My dearest Jacob,
It’s November and I’ve let the timing of my annual letter get away from me. As you would say, at least ten times a day… My bad. I find it daunting to roll-up all of your life into a neat little birthday blog. I don’t even know… I can make your hands clap. This year I’m inspired to describe middle school Jacob with the current eighth grade vocab of the day, as indicated in italicized bold.
At thirteen, you’re more than half way through middle school. I’m fairly certain no one has ever said this about a middle schooler but it’s absolutely true– it’s made you even better. Rather than turning into an angsty, hormonal, irritated version of yourself, you’ve mellowed out. I mean don’t get me wrong, your eyes still roll regularly. You have your annoyed outbursts. And I am a reliable source of laughable moments, like recently, when I discovered there is hot sauce at Taco Bell called Diablo Sauce… explaining the name of last year’s soccer team. Brah. It’s amazing I can even function in the world. That’s cap. But when you snap at me you always apologize and are quick with a sincere hug.
From seventh to eighth grade you’ve shot up. You were one of the smallest guys on your soccer team last year, but that’s no longer the case. I’m pretty certain we’re currently dead even in height and I’m about to fall from second to third place. You’re a real string bean. And a bottomless pit. You tell me, “I’m so hungy, Mom.” In five minutes you can inhale $32 in grocery store sushi if I’m not fiscally vigilant. I have to carefully manage our supplies of kettle chips, ginger ale, and premium ice cream as they call to you day and night. Facts.
About 3 months ago you got your Invisalign. I was a bit worried about “removable braces” and the element of taking them in and out every time you eat and drink. Your fingernails have never looked better. You even remember to change your trays on Tuesday nights without any help. Goodness knows it’s never crossed my mind. I just came up with the idea to call it Toothsday. Cue teenage lame sigh. Síííííííííííí.
And speaking of food, the latest Jakery Cakery has been particularly prolific. You’ve made several dozen gluten free chocolate chip cookies, adjusting the recipe till you get it just right. You also made a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting decorated with raspberries. Mrs. Carlin from Home Ec would be impressed. Everything has turned out boatloads better than the ill-conceived zucchini panini of last year. Now you have your sights set on recreating Duke’s ice cream hula pie and learning a family staple, Texas Sheet Cake. Nate is thoroughly supportive, Suey.
You’ve been playing AYSO and your Inflation team has done well. This year you’ve had a couple of games where you scored two goals in a game which has boosted your confidence… though sometimes you run your mouth more than your feet. Your games are on Wednesday nights at 7PM which means freezing cold spectating and dinner from a bag. Just chill, Mom. Just chill. Literally.
Your other favorite form of exercise is your Oculus VR headset. Flipping Zuckerberg. But in all seriousness, you lost at least ten pounds during the pandemic playing gorilla tag. It’s insane. You might as well be doing a kickboxing class you’re so sweaty. You’re also super humble to the players on the other end of the metaverse– only exclaiming “I’m so goated” like fifty times a session. I scold you for telling strangers to “Be better.” It’s having little effect. You’ve had to move VR to your room since we’ve set-up life in the barn… too much furniture impeding your virtual talents. I’m not sure what your favorite game is right now, but I do know that I don’t have to yell, “Don’t hit me, don’t hit me” every time I try to cross the living room. No cap.
You’ve taken schoolwork very seriously this year and are excelling in all of your classes. Every Monday morning I get a text with your grades and I’ve lost count of your straight A streak. Miss Mooney has transitioned from your seventh grade math teacher to your eighth grade yearbook teacher. She’s still your fave. You recently told me that if you want to get good grades, you have to give the teacher what they want. I’m relieved you’re thirteen and have figured this out on your own. Some people never figure this out over their entire working lives. I got a very sincere snort of laughter when I texted you all your A’s, including two A+’s, with the preface: You’re so goated with the sauce. Yo, I can hang.
You’ve made so many friends over the last year and a half I can’t even count them on two hands. You call them Da Boyz. Plus Izzy. Izzy is Brady’s longterm girlfriend and we’ve all gotten to enjoy Brady’s mom’s stories. We also appreciate the stories of Santiago and his revolving door of girlfriends. The years when you didn’t want to go to Farmer’s have now been replaced with a desire to hang at Farmer’s with your friends so you can eat and visit Captain Nemo’s. One time we went to said establishment to look at War Hammer paints and I had kind of a backpack purse on. The guy behind the counter wanted me to put my backpack on the counter to prevent shoplifting and I was like, “Don’t you worry, there is nothing in this store that I want.” Bruv. Which totally came out unintentionally sincere and intolerably rude. I’m just really allergic to windowless Dungeons and Dragons stores– they don’t bring out the best in me. To your credit you didn’t pretend not to know me.
You have become such an important and reliable partner to me in so many ways. You are quick to help out. If I need a pep talk, you’ve got it nailed. And I’ve finally reached my decades long dream of breezing through an airport while my sons lug my luggage.
I love you JJ. You are growing into the most amazing version of yourself. Funny, creative, smart, and hard working. You do be amazing. And so humble 😉 In all seriousness, I couldn’t be prouder of you.
Muchas smoochas,
Mom
Magic Water
Yesterday we drove down to Santa Maria for our second to last CCU game of the season. They’re at the bottom of the table and we’re at the top, so it was shaping-up to be a confidence-boosting start to the weekend. Our initial goal of the game was Nate’s very first header goal. It was a beaut. Just a nice redirection off a perfectly placed cross from Eliot.
Only our Veo video cam can remember everything that happened after that. Nate scored four more goals and had the assist on our fifth. His only slip was missing the PK after a foul that took him down for longer than usual. We won 6-0. After the game I headed over to the head ref for the final match report and he says, “Man that #8. What a player. And quiet, too.” Nate left the field kind of grumpy… he wanted a double hat trick. Sheesh. We celebrated the win by heading straight to the Chick-fil-A for spicy sandwiches, hold the hateful belief system.
The real challenge was scheduled for today at our home field. Mustangs versus the Santa Barbara foul-mouthed, time-wasting, magic water carrying, elbow-throwing, switching cleats while on the field playing, fouling floppers. We managed to lose against them a few weeks ago during the most outlandish game I’ve ever watched. They theatrically claimed over 9 “injuries” while laying flat on their backs, running down the clock, having their coach pour magic water on their legs, and wasting over 10 minutes. We knew today’s game would be fierce.
We started out strong and Nate was fouled in the box early. Second PK of the weekend. What did we learn yesterday? Blast it hard and low. Check. We’re up 1-0. Then the floppers equalize. Nooo! It’s 1-1 at the half.
Second half we’re on our heels. But then there’s a great combo on the left side from Cruz to Nate to Cruz— he crosses it and bam, Colin scores. The crowd goes wild.
But it all comes crashing down again a bit later when they score a long rainbow shot from the left side into the back right side of the net. They get several corner kicks and we all experience multiple moments of heart failure and the loss of our fingernails. Spanner has the save of the season with a long left-handed dive and reach that deflects the ball at the last moment.
We’re tied 2-2 and running out of time. We’ve already won the league, but this game still matters. Nate gets a beautiful breakaway and jukes just a split-second too late as their goalie comes careening in for a solid save. Some things happen, time is running short, they foul Noah just outside the box. Nate’s up again for the free kick. He hears Ben tell him to get his shoulder over the ball and to blast it. His shot goes straight past the wall and directly into the back of the net. The crowd goes wild. Again.
Nate comes sprinting back in victory to a crowd of hugs. Tweet, tweet, tweee-eet. Mustangs win the season, and the day.
After the game Nate falls down flat on the ground, surrounded by all his teammates. He notices just in time before his coach tries to Gatorade him with water and only douses the back of his shirt.
So proud of this kid. Still almost a full year younger than the rest of his team and playing with both his head and his heart. Shut them up and shut them down.
They must have accidentally sprayed us with that magic water.
The Lands
About a week ago we were all driving in the car and Jacob says,
“Remember that time when Nate was little and he was like,
‘I want to go to all the lands…
Disneyland.
Legoland.
Yogurtland.'”