wild*life

Friday morning Jakey asks me, “Mama, do you have hot air balloons at your work?”

“What?  No, I don’t think so.”

“Yes, yes you have hot air balloons.  Remember you saw them?”

And then I recall calling home very early in the morning, as I was taking a brisk stroll in Napa… on the hunt for gourmet coffee (of course I didn’t have to go far).  We were having a managers meeting and when I called home, I noticed three or four hot air balloons floating down the valley.  It was freakin’ idyllic.

“Mmmm.  Yes, you’re right.  I did have hot air balloons at my work.”

And then yesterday, from five stories up, I actually watched the space ship Endeavor make two circles past my office window, riding piggyback on another airplane.  There was even a fighter jet chaperone.

Huh…  where does Jake get these crazy notions about work?  Probably too much T.V. or something.

OK, we’ve had a major breakthrough.  Jacob has recently divulged, well proclaimed is probably more accurate, the address of his work.  Drum roll please….

#3 EastWest

Do you know it?  Me neither.  So I broke out my handy dandy Google map.  Looks like we have an Eastwest Road in Nashville, Georgia, or an Eastwest Drive in Punjab, India.

The declaration of possessions is customarily preceded by, “Mama, do you know what I have at my work?”  I’m on my way to Georgia next week so I figure I’ll keep my eyes peeled for a parachute, a green jet plane, chocolate milk and chocolate tea, and chocolate chip cookies that are soft and crunchy.

I’m hoping next time he’ll say something like “Mama, do you know what I have at my work?  Saris and chai.”  Then I’d know I’m on the right track.

Here’s an exchange I’ve now had on more than one occasion:

Me: “Jakey, what’d you do at school today?”

Jacob: “Nussing.”

Me: “Nothing!  What am I paying those teachers for?  What did you eat for lunch?”

Jacob: “Nussing!”

Me: “They didn’t feed you?  I’m outraged!  I pay a lot of good money for them to play with you and feed you.”

Jacob: “I did nussing.  I just sat around all day on my bottom.”

Me: “Great, that’s great.”  I turn toward the little one, hoping for a little help.  “Natesy, do you like school?”

Nate: (He shakes his head “no.”)

I want my money back.

This afternoon, Nate came running into our bedroom holding a pair of little boy pants and a green long-sleeved t-shirt.  He held them up to James and me and gleefully exclaimed one of his typical sing-song sentences… something that sounds like English, but it well… isn’t.

The clothes were of unknown origin, though I suspected they were originally folded in the laundry basket.  “Nate, where did you get those clothes?  Are they clean?”

He looks at me for a moment, blinks his perfect eyelashes, drops to one knee, and starts using the pants like a rag; cleaning the rug.

At least he knows about cleaning, right?  I’m claiming victory.

Yesterday I was busy trying to clean the kitchen and entertain the bear cubs.  That’s my new name for them.  I’m not sure exactly what I did, but Jacob admonished me about something, ending his sentence with, and I quote, “Young Lady!”

Clearly I’m losing ground.

Some kids have an imaginary friend.  Mine has an imaginary job.

Jake’s “work” has become a daily reference.  As you may know, his work was originally headquartered in Santa Cruz.  Over the course of 2012, there has been an extensive expansion… perhaps the strategists behind Starbucks have been hired-on?  I’m aware of numerous field offices that have popped-up around the Bay Area, inland, and in the keystone state.

You wouldn’t believe the things he has at his work.  I’m thinking we need to start an official list.  There are giraffes and horses at his work, in addition to his puppies.  His puppies, I may add, are pilots.  They are trained and equipped to fly jets, helicopters, and your standard rocketship.  He has a cement mixer, green race car, green boat, bicycles, ladders, buckets, TV’s, chocolate birthday cakes, balloons, and any tool your heart desires.  Just this weekend he mentioned he smelled dinosaurs at his work.  And then he found a dinosaur egg and a little baby dinosaur hatched, “It was so cute.”  Then his crows flew down but they didn’t peck it.  They are nice crows.

Maybe James and I have unknowingly made work sound infinitely more desirable than any job could possibly be?  Have we fallen into the trap that my Spanish college roommates cautioned?  “In America you live to work, in Spain, we work to live.”  I diplomatically did not call attention to the Spaniard working day and night at his 24-hour internet cafe, raking in his millions…

My friend Emily pointed out that work must be great… why else would we choose to go there, rather than spend the whole day with Jakey?  Emily has always been wise beyond her years.

On occasion, James will pick Jacob up at school and he will insist that he be driven to his work.  If there is a moment’s hesitation, he melts into an angry puddle of tears.  “Take me to my work!!!!”  I have a sneaking suspicion those are the days that the boys all drink chocolate milkshakes from the MickeyD’s drive-thru.  Just as long as he doesn’t end-up flipping burgers, this seems like the only possible alternative to driving aimlessly… or would we?

This past March, Jacob was the enthusiastic recipient of his first “action figure.”  (See previous post for an artistic visual.)

The Sanders family bequeathed him with the muscular, patriotic presence of Captain America— they’ve always had super powers when it comes to getting Jakey down for a nap… of course they know he’ll love this toy.

Mr. USA has an indestructible shield he can fling at his enemies.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your tall, or small perspective, the indestructible shield has been flung into an undiscovered location.  When you press his belt buckle, he fervently shouts endlessly repeatable things like, “Iron Man, cover the perimeter!”, “I defend this nation from any and all threats”, “Watch my back, kid”, and the parentally problematic, “Avengers, stand and fight!”

Nathaniel has now taken over as Captain America’s most zealous bodyguard.  Luckily he doesn’t remember the vanished shield.  He has been running around pushing the belt buckle incessantly.  I can repeat the entire verbal loop, similar to my talent for reenacting that one car alarm… you know: beeep beeep beeep beeep, meenoo meenoo, wooOOP wooOOP, eh eh eh eh… OK I’ll stop.

So, today Nate was running away from Daddy in the side yard, clutching Captain America when he tripped and fell.  When he went down, Captain America shouted, “Nice takedown!”

How appropriate.

Jake spends a lot of time with “his” camera.  For the record, the orange camera used to be mine.  And since I’m making a list of my former possessions, I’d like to add “Jacob’s cowboy hat”, the soccer ball, every wooden spoon, and at least one flashlight.

A few weeks ago I decided to download the pictures from this camera… all 298 of them.  Of course I deleted the less flattering pictures of my backside and James in his drawers.  It’s quite humbling to see the details of your daily life captured from a disconcertingly close perspective.

The following exclusive selection is surely destined for a modern art gallery near you.  I’ve picked out the more artsy fartsy ones for this select debut.

Diego & Baby Jaguar in Helmets (TV is a strong theme throughout the collection.)

Starry Night

Untitled (Black on Grey)

NakeSee

Witness Protection

The Fall of America

Arm & Hammer

Self-portrait

Every so often you write a blog and you think, “Hmmm…  How would I feel if HR or a recruiter read this?”  (This is a sure sign it will be a great post.  It’s also a sure sign that you’re either a risk-taker with a sense of humor or a reckless internet idiot.)

S0 with that out of the way…

Last week over dinner, I decided to use the collective power of those around my kitchen table to solve a particularly vexing work problem: Award Ceremony Theme Night.

Every year our entire field organization heads to Sin City for a week of meetings, training and late night schmoozing.  On one of those nights we host a theme party where everyone must come in costume and sit through several hours of awards.  I posed this pivotal question to my collective think tank: Jake, Nake and James.

“So, we need to come up with a good party theme for my work.  What do you guys think?”

James: “How about Heroes and Villains?”
Me: “Nice.  I like it.  What else you got?”
Jake: “How ’bout a chocolate party?”
Me: “Mmm.  I better write these down.”  (I get some paper and a pen.)
“How ’bout a vampire party?
A preppy party?
An informal formal?
90’s!”

The ideas were coming left and right… according to a book I just read on innovation, the secret to brainstorming is “plussing” or adding to an idea.  And then:

Jake: “How ’bout a sausage party!”

Aaaand, that’s the beauty of brainstorming…  C’mon Teenage Jake, I can’t just let these gems pass us by.

If you’re from HR or happen to be a future recruiter googling my cyberspace shenanigans, this is just a reference to a Bavarian festival— Oktoberfest if you will.

The last two plus weeks have brought tears of anguish,
Great mirth,
Boundless heartbreak,
Harrowing suspense,
Untold disappointment,
Immeasurable elation,
And unbridled joy.

What?  The Olympics?  No, no.  I’m not talking about the Olympics anymore.  I’m just talking about the last two weeks in general.

Yes, this emotional toddler roller coaster should be considered as a new Olympic sport.  I mean the training alone…