wild*life

Early this year I was talking to James from my office phone.  I’m not exactly sure what transpired… I probably asked an innocent question about dinner which was not well received and James said something to the effect of, “It sure must be nice being Don Draper.”

Now if you don’t know, Don Draper is the main character in the series Mad Men.  Essentially it’s a show about a bunch of cocky ad men in the 60’s that spend the majority of their time smoking, drinking cocktails and schtooping their secretaries while their wives cook and clean and raise their children.  Clearly, I am totally like Don Draper.

And if I’m Don, well then James must be Don’s first wife, Betty.  His current ex-model French Canadian wife doesn’t seem to do a lot of cooking, cleaning or child rearing.

For the months of October and November I got to be Betty, and it was spectacular… absolutely one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received.

One of my more ambitious friends asked me, “So what did you accomplish?”  I’m not sure that’s really the point of a sabbatical, but I’d say I struck the perfect balance between achieving something, and absolutely nothing:

I did manly things.  I drank a lot of gourmet coffee.  Oversaw 50% completion of the kitchen remodel.  Picked-up paint, bought appliances, sinks, lights, tile, faucets, and various fixtures.  Ordered a porch light and house numbers after two years of research.  Hung canvases of the boys (at their dirtiest) above the bathtub.  Watched our new TV get installed.  And finally fixed the recall on my car, changed the oil and washed it.

I did girlie things.  I was a lady who lunched.  And breakfasted with Brinn.  I shopped with girlfriends on weekdays.  Acquired a record number of new pairs of boots (4).  Did our Christmas shopping.  Got two, yes two, pedicures.  Had a facial and a massage on different days, and a haircut.

I traveled.  I went on our roadtrip to Ashland and Mendocino.  I poked around Los Altos, Menlo Park, Palo Alto, Los Gatos, Burlingame, Campbell, Berkeley and Santa Cruz.  I went to the post office and the tailor and the dry cleaner and the pharmacy.

I volunteered.  Researched book fairs, bought shaving cream, attended Parent Committee meetings.  And served lunch to Our Ladies of Charity.

I was a homemaker.  Got the boys ready and took them to school every morning, picked them up, and figured out what we should eat without a kitchen.  I had breakfast almost every morning with Jacob and his classmates.  Had family pictures taken.  Cleaned the garage, the boys’ closet, the office closet and my closet.   Found new Christmas stockings and had them embroidered with our names, sewed buttons on clothes, and hung up Nate’s baby handprints.  I bought Halloween candy and stood in line forever at the HoneyBaked Ham store.  I planned holiday parties and designed and ordered our Christmas card.

And I didn’t just spend money.  I made money.  I sold the Quinny stroller, the Baby Einstein and some stereo speakers on Craig’s List and made +$245.  Cleaned out our closets and made +$119.  Finally submitted a work expense report (+$700).  Went to court for my Caltrain citation (-$160) and to the eye doctor (-$90).  Plus I gave away all of our baby stuff to my much anticipated spiritual niece/nephew.

Plus, I dated.  I went to Petroglyph by myself.  And went back on a Jake Date.  I went to MyGym on a Nate Date.  And with James to a Bond, James Bond movie.  Went to The Table with the girls for my birthday dinner.  I had lunch with Jill and we drank prosecco.  And I went to the city with James and had midday cocktails.

After a thorough review of my two-month life as Betty… it seems Don isn’t the only one dating and drinking.

It’s here.  The day we’ve been dreading.  We knew it was unavoidable and yet, it’s still hard to believe when it actually happens.  Nathaniel no longer just shakes his head silently when he disagrees with the party line.  Nope.  For the last four days he has answered just about every question with “Gnoh.”  Yes, it’s difficult to capture in print, but his pronunciation is reminiscent of a French toddler defiantly ordering gnocchi.  Gnoh, gnoh.  Or, Gnoooh!

Oh the first Noël, the angel did say…

I’ve been meaning to make a list of our favorite memories from our recent road trip.  Back in mid-October we piled into Lufthansa and visited the southern most point of the Pacific Northwest.  Note: James’ car is known as Lufthansa.  My car is known as The Crop Duster.

Overall it couldn’t have been better.  I hadn’t realized just how much easier it is to travel via car versus shlepping onto an airplane.  Perhaps that’s why families have been taking road trips for millennia…  Some of the highlights:

* Lithia Park in Ashland, Oregon
The unbelievable fall colors and our twice daily trips to the playground are what I’ll remember most.  Jakey found a squirt gun the first day and we had a great time burying it under the wood chips and then coming back to find it.  Though, I’m still trying to forget the incident where Nate let go of the giant rubber band-like climbing net that snapped back and almost took out my front teeth.  It would have been slightly less traumatic if James had noticed and come to rescue me, versus smiling and laughing at something on his iPhone.  Maybe I should have texted him for help?

* Danya from Simply Sitters in Ashland
She engaged the boys with books, crafts and more all afternoon so James and I could poke around shops, eat gourmet food, and drink wine.  I had one of the best desserts of my life at Liquid Assets: Mango and Mascarpone Panna Cotta with Habanero Lime Marmalade.  I’d drive 6 and a half hours again just to eat it.

* The Aquarium in Crescent City
Which apparently hasn’t changed much since James’ last visit when he was 7, except they’ve added a 5000 square foot waiting room/junk shop, I mean gift shop.  Just as we were about to pet 2 live sharks, James set Nate down which somehow startled the shark into splashing a wave of freezing cold water out of the petting tank and down Natesy’s back.  Let’s just say Nate was not amused.  But we did find out Nate and trained sea lions have quite a bit in common.  For example, they both can moo like a cow and growl like a tiger.  They also both wave, give kisses, and slap their bellies on command.

* Paul Bunyan & Babe the Blue Ox
Our much anticipated visit to the Trees of Mystery and the gondola ride up the mountain was an added bonus.  Jakey was really looking forward to seeing “Tall Bunyan.”  He’s still talking about him.

* Benbow Inn in Garberville
This historic inn is such a wonderful surprise in the middle of nowhere.  Delicious food, a spacious room, and thousands of rocks to throw into a beautiful crystal clear creek.  We enjoyed several good hours throwing rocks.

* The Botanical Gardens outside Fort Bragg
Some day I’m going to have a dahlia garden to rival this place.  The boys ate apples from the orchard, after narrowly escaping the playhouse-guarding scarecrow.  Afterward, Nate was so tired we caught him sleeping in his car seat and finishing his heirloom Gravenstein.  I’ve maybe never seen anything funnier.

* The Perfect House James found in Mendocino
Where he made my favorite birthday dinner, the boys wrestled and played for hours, JJ insisted on making me cupcakes, and we washed as many loads of laundry as possible.  One morning, Jacob woke-up and told me he “was having the best dream.  I was running with mouses and a cat was chasing us.  And we were throwing Play-Doh!”  (This was because just before we went to bed we had read a book about a kitten named Mickey that grows-up with a family of mice.)

And on our way out of town, we surprised a young homeless man and his beautiful dog with our breakfast gift of half a dozen chocolate frosted cupcakes.

As the holidays approach, I’m always reminded of some of the things I used to say when I was little.  My mom is really good at keeping our childhood stories and vocab alive and kickin’.  For example, I’m still inclined to sing “Then one froggy Christmas Eve…” as I think about Santa Closet from the cozy comfort of my grass bed.

The last few months, Jake has come up with a few of his own:

• “Mama, is your hot tea done bruising yet?”
• “Daddy, those rocks have water in them and they’re growing allergies.”
• When I turn around to look into the backseat of the car: “Mama, do you have ocean sickness?”
• James: “Maybe we should sneak into Kelly’s early tomorrow.”
  Jake: “You mean sneak in and steal all the food like Rogers?”

But, hands down, our all time favorite and one that’s made it into daily use: “I like it bester.”

Fall is in the air and everyone’s still a little jumpy since Halloween.  Although the plastic is down and the kitchen is now accessible and well lit (but essentially empty Fernando), Nate still can’t enjoy his dinner.  And the day after All Hallows’ Eve, Jake’s teacher Miss Letty did something on the ceiling with flashlights and witches.  That day, apparently 8 out of 11 kids had an accident at naptime.  She lamented with a smile, “Oh, the weetches, the weetches.”

This week we were leaving the sushi joint in Willow Glen (where, I kid you not, the waitress said in recognition, “The 3 Orders of Gyoza Family!”)  After dinner, as we walked toward the dimly lit parking garage, some lady let out a loud, raucous laugh.  Jake startled a bit, grabbed his dad’s hand and looked warily over his shoulder, “Dad, is that a witch or something?”

Oh, the weetches, the weetches…

Is that Jacob in a ballet class?  Wow, you guys are so progressive.

Alas, that’s not a picture of Jake.  That’s a picture of his clandestine twin, Mayme Rose, who lives across the entire country and elected to wear her identical lion costume to ballet class on her birthday earlier this year.

It would totally be love at first ROAR, I know it.

Does every kid say “lellow”?  (You know, assuming they speak English…)

As previously mentioned, this was the Year of the Lion (again) and the Year of the Sock Monkey (my choice).  As my last year of choosing, I totally give myself an A+ for cuteness.  The boys had a costume parade at school which, last year, was recognizable as a parade.  This year it was recognizable as a mob.  As predicted, our two animal zoo was extra terrifying… headless.

Nate spent the whole time hiding his hat behind his back.

One slight tangent regarding the costumes in Jake’s class…  Almost every day I get to have breakfast with JJ and several of his classmates (his whole class is almost entirely girls, Nate’s is the opposite).  In any case, these little girls almost all wear princess dresses to school every day.  Literally it’s breakfast with Cinderella, Ariel and Tinkerbell.  This week Tinkerbell changed it up and came in a brand new Hello Kitty tiara and head-to-toe coordinating outfit, including new glitter shoes.  The only way I could tell it was Halloween was that Mia was wearing a homemade rainbow costume.

When we got home that evening, we met the Pizza My Heart delivery man, the fifth member of our family.  Yes Fernando, that’s directed at you.  Then we spent an indeterminate amount of time searching for a shoe before we hit the streets with the early birds.  As expected of a second child, Nate was a natural.  He was marching up to the doors of strangers, followed by his excited but leery lion bodyguard.  Some magical trick-or-treat spell came over them and they both wore their headgear the entire time… it was truly miraculous.  Three doors down, Nate tried to take the proffered candy basket, twice.

Jake’s lion costume is flood-ready.  I don’t think we had that problem last year.

When we got home, I made my typical mistake of thinking we’d have less trick-or-treaters than usual because it’s a Wednesday and it’s threatening to rain.  I handed out small handfuls and then had to revert to the measly 1 fun-size piece per visitor.  I also had to keep a very close eye on Jakey.  If you come to our door, you totally want the extra generous, headless lion throwing candy into your bag.  When it came to the insanely cute, homemade garden gnome girl, I let it go.  But the teenager who told me he was “Nothing”?  Here’s some snack-size malt balls.  Next year, make an effort.

We passed out over 550 pieces of candy and had to turn our lights off early.  I’d like to give a shout out to the geniuses at Hershey’s and Nestle that added the new “96 pieces!” badge on the front of the bags this year.  I’m greatly appreciative that I no longer need to calculate which brands have the most pieces via the serving size times number of servings (Kit Kat, by the way).  I salute innovation in candy packaging.

While Jacob and I manned the door, James changed Nate out of his costume.  I turned around and he was wearing a diaper and a little Penn State t-shirt.  Really, James?  Fortunately, no one misinterpreted it as a costume in extremely poor taste.

November seems to be the month where I either become acutely aware of an increasing obsession with one’s nigh-nigh, or it’s when studies show a clinically proven pacifier addiction begins.  Either way, it’s clearly a tipping point.

When Jake was this age, I declared Operation Bye Bye Nigh-Nigh on November 1st and the mission was accomplished by November 15th.

Based on a picture captured yesterday morning, it looks like he may already be holed-up in a Nuk den somewhere.

A week or so ago I went out to a wonderful birthday dinner with my pirate girls and we got to talking about kid’s shoes.  I shared that JJ used to switch off between his two pairs of footwear: his rocket shoes and his trail shoes.  It was working out well.  They were wearing evenly and it seemed slightly healthier to give his shoes a chance to breathe for a day or so.  But then something changed and his favorite rocket shoes could no longer be trusted.  We had to completely cut-off contact.  They were the enemy.

So one of my friends, also the mom of two little boys, shares the plausible wisdom that I should only buy one pair of shoes at a time.  Based on experience, it made sense.  I had found the perfect brand of indestructible shoes (Keens), and now I had found the perfect theory to support only shelling-out significant dollars when he complains about his toes hurting or something.  I’m kidding.

And then on Halloween I brought the boys home and we all immediately removed our shoes at the front door, per our training.  I put Nate’s shoes together on the floor and was then distracted by the million costume, candy, carving, and dinner preparations that needed to occur in a restricted time frame.

A bit later I have the lion and the sock monkey ready to hit the streets.  The lion gets his trail shoes and he’s ready to go.  We can only find one sock monkey shoe.  We look everywhere.  It’s getting darker.  Kids are coming to our door.  We gotta get outta here.  I dig up some old Converse, strap ’em on and we get going.

We’ve been searching for the sock monkey shoe for almost five days.  Jake has hypothesized that a Trick-or-Treater entered our home and absconded with one Pediped.  Besides the dangers of water, I began to lose faith in my new “1 Pair at a Time” theory.

Today James texted me this picture.

That’s our mail slot… right next to where the shoe was last seen.  How did I know it was an inside job?