No It All

Saying Baby Jacob is a hungry kid is, well, an understatement.  Some of his first nicknames centered around the easy to recognize “Piggy Face”, “Hungry Face”, and the infamous “Hand Samiches”.  This hunger may have contributed to two incidents: 1) I experienced my first bout of Bad Mom Guilt thinking I had somehow pinched or burned his arm in his car seat and 2) a frantic call from Teacher Linda C. asking if he had a birthmark and having me rush down to see a bruise on his arm.  After some significant Mom sleuthing the root cause analysis revealed….  self-imposed hickeys.  Not only do we find Jakey’s chubby forearms undeniably edible, so does he.

At about 5 months it was obvious that Jake was unsatisfied with his all liquid diet, despite his weight to height percentiles of 75:50 (which have just recently reversed at his 6-month appointment to 75:90.  Look Dr. V. I said I thought he was skinniER– I didn’t say skinny.  When does Dr. Barnett get back?!)  Here is an exclusive review of Jake’s foray into the world of food beyond Baby Milk (hard hitting opinions you won’t find on yelp), in the order of introduction:

1. Baby Milk: Eyes-roll-back-in-my-head delicious.

2. Rice Cereal: Yummy, despite its paste-like flavor and consistency.

3. 3-4 Cheerios: My Grantmother (Chief Experimentation Officer) decided I should try these long before the experts’ recommended time line just to “see what happens”… my reaction was akin to mini round lemon wedges.

4. Mommy’s Mashed Potatoes: Gagged multiple times before the potatoes even touched my lips.  I’m pretty sure nothing was actually ingested.

5. Carrots: My Grantmother tried these out when babysitting on 09/21/09.  Primary reaction: Unknown.  Current status: OMG, like gag me with a spoon.  We have 9 1oz. portions in the freezer.  Too bad we don’t have more…

6. Sweet Potatoes: Lick the bowl delicious.  The best thing since Baby Milk.  Cry and whine if it’s not shoveled into my mouth in one continuous stream.  I would prefer the ability to suck down sweet potatoes via the superior delivery mechanism of a silicone nipple.

7. Nanvee (Banana): I tried to choke it down last night but because it was mixed with gagots (aka carrots) it’s unclear if bananas are also on the “try again later” list.  Supposedly I liked banana mixed with cereal on 09/21 according to the Chief Experimentation Officer.

8. Tomorrow: Butternut Squash.

James is CEO of CIO.  Chief Executive Officer of Cry-It-Out.  The theory goes that after 3 to 4 nights of crying, babies stop whaling and sleep through the night.  The theory fails to mention that CIO must be reimplemented after every cold, change in routine, or ethereal dental milestone.

Today let’s just say the CEO of CIO was PO’d at the K-I-D and the CMO (Chief Milk Officer) when the CMO caved at 3 in the morning because said K-I-D was screaming like someone was branding him with a hot poker.  When in actuality….. the CMO was just rubbing his belly based on the recommended SOP of CIO theory.  Our CEO is still G-R-U-M-P-Y.

Jakey’s nails are dangerous.  His dad likes to call them his “clavos” or “nails” in Spanish.  Not the soft pearly nails that protect your delicate fingers.  Nails like the sharp steel daggers people use to hold wood together.  One day Teacher Linda C. showed me bloody scratches on her neck.  I file them almost every day with this little baby emory board which is no match for the clavos.  We’ve upgraded to 40 grit industrial adult emory boards for his man manis.

So earlier this week Jake said his first “accidental” words.  I was holding him in his room and he grabs the back of my neck like a dog picks up a puppy.  We’re talking a fistful of skin with all five nails.  And as he does this he yells, “Caaaaalaaaaaaw!”  Yes, CLAW.  I was like a helpless field mouse in the talon’s of the swooping hawk.

Then a few minutes later we were playing on the couch.

Jaimie: “Hi Baby Jacob.”

Jakey: “Hiiii.”

Jaimie: WTF?!  (Of course I didn’t say this as we now live in a G-rated house.)  But still.  “What’d you say?!”

Jake’s eyes get so big and he looks at me like, “Whoa, what did I just say?!”  Followed by the most knowing, bashful smile.  For one brief instant, we both spoke English.  Then he went back to Jacobish: FFFFfffffvvvvvvvvv, goo goo.  I think maybe he also said Bbbbbb this week.  Although we can’t forget that he’s been yelling “Hey!” since he was just a wee lad.

Wow, I’m back.  I think it takes 21 times to make something a habit… right?  Hmmm, 19 more times to go.

So Jakey’s new sound (maybe for about a week or so) is F.  Up until now it’s mostly been G.  When he was super little he would cry, “MmmmGee, mmmmGeeeeeee!”  Now I know why people say ga ga, goo goo to babies all the time.  That’s exactly what they say to you.

Anyway, so Jake has figured out that if he attempts to eat his entire chin, he can make an F sound that sometimes turns into V.  Honestly, he can get his lower lip plus the whole crease in his chin into his mouth.  Earlier this week he created a total slobber beard while practicing FfffffffffffVvvvvvvv and then spit in my eye.  What a joy!

Actually, it wasn’t that bad.  It made me laugh hysterically.  But that’s another weird thing about parenthood.  Nothing about Jakey grosses me out.  I can be covered in spit, puke, and other baby liquids and it doesn’t even bug me.  Other kids’ boogers– sick.  Jake puke down my front– hmph, smells kind of good.  Yes, it’s weird.  But is it any weirder than the way my dad likes the smell of cow pies?  Must be part of Mother Nature’s grand plan.

Jake saying “Fondue.”

I think Jake has been practicing F in preparation for our very first inaugural CLUB night now that my dearest friend Jillana Marchina has returned home from jolly ol’ England.  Hallelujah!

CLUB stands for Cooking Light UB.  Now that I think of it, we never did come up with something for the UB.  It was almost 7 years ago that Jilly and I would get together on Wednesday nights after work, cook a delicious dinner from Cooking Light recipes, eat at 9pm, and watch the Bachelor.  Over the years the “light” kind of went out the window… at least at times… thus the fondue smorgasbord we had last night involving: heavy whipping cream, 1/2 and 1/2, cheese, cream cheese, bread, chocolate, wine, and cheesecake.  We did dip fruit and vegetables into this.

Here are my two favorite recipes.  Pretend that one is not from Rachael Ray (It’s RiOja, not ROja Lady!).

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/easy-cheesy-fondue-with-fingerling-potatoes-french-bread-and-select-vegetables-recipe/index.html

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/michael-chiarello/chocolate-fondue-recipe/index.html (use the stove instead of the microwave so says Chef James)

These recipes are tried and true, and you can eat fondue much earlier in the evening on a weeknight than you can eat a cake decorated to look like an American flag.  Trust me.

Welcome home Jilly Bean!

Despite all my efforts to stop creating more projects for myself, here I am, writing my very first blog.  James has always been certain there is a secret blogger inside me.  I’m sure there is.  There’s probably also a supremely organized, deliciously fashionable, gourmet chef inside of me, too.  With perfectly organized photo albums.  But instead, I’m embarking on being a spotty blogger…

Why start a blog now?  Well, I was over at my neighbor Karen’s house this weekend and she whipped out a photo book of her son’s first year expertly woven with her blog posts capturing each memorable moment of “Life with Luke.”  Spring forward 12 years when Jakey has an “autobiography” school project.  Yes, I remember writing one of these around sixth grade.  “Mom, my friend Luke has an impressive digital archive.  What’s the URL for mine?”  Go check the shoe box under my bed.

So, to prevent this future failing as a mother, here I am writing my blog instead of doing my nightly milk management routine.

If you read any fashion magazines in the 90’s, you surely came across “Jake: A Man’s Opinion” in Glamour.  This is “Jake: A Mom’s Opinion.”  And today is Jakey’s very first half birthday: 09/14/09!  If I’m known for anything, it’s probably my commitment to celebrating halves.  I did throw a Half-Way Par-tay for myself not long ago…  And what is the requisite half birthday event of the day?  Cupcakes of course.

 Obviously, this is not Jake’s first cupcake.  Just 6 more months and I’ll actually let him taste it. 🙂