No It All

Ten minutes with Google and I’ve uncovered a whole new world on Chinese face reading.  I think maybe Alesia and I should investigate this as I know she has fortune-telling transactional experience.  Is it frowned upon to take your baby’s ear lobes to a psychic?

Face Reading: What Your Ears Say About Your Early Years (Should you be interested in reading your ears… I have uncovered a simple and informative article for you…)

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/30759/face_reading_what_your_ears_say_about_pg2_pg2.html?cat=34

Jacob’s first official Chinese ear reading done by his mommy via Google internet research:

* Big earlobe:  The Buddha had very big and long earlobes. (he was also bald)  So if you have big and long earlobes, it’s extremely good luck.  Everything comes very easily to you, (like eating, tongue clacking, clapping) and you know how to enjoy life.  If you run into trouble, there’s always a person there to lend you a helping hand. (or pick you up when you’re standing in your crib in the middle of the night)

* The ear is as high or higher than the eyebrows:  This means you are pure of thought with a high intellect, thus you will be steered toward the area of the arts or research.  It also means that you will not be destitute at any time in your life. (so you won’t be moving back in once you’re a grown-up!)  You might not be a millionaire because you don’t follow the business track, but you won’t be poor. (follow your heart)

* Big and rounded ear tops:  You are exceptionally smart, though not in the traditional, grade-point average way.  Understanding things comes easily, but you don’t apply your intellect to just everything.  You will engage your smarts only in the things that interest you.  Children with these ears should be encouraged to find their own niche, and they will excel at that. (no, master at flirting with female strangers on the train is not a niche…)

Today I took Jake to school in the outfit he wore to Emily and Shaun’s wedding… but a more dressed-down “school worthy” version (jeans rather than matching pants with suspenders).  This is definitely the outfit Jakey wears to get girls.  Teacher Linda C. was head over heels.  She quickly got out her camera and tried to snap a picture of Jake while pushing the other little kids out of the way.  Honestly it was like a baby mob of paparazzi with Jake striking poses.

Teacher Linda C. is either an expert at making me think Jacob is her favorite, or she is very bad at concealing her favoritism…  Previously she told me that Jake has a very promising future.  She can tell by his ear lobes.  This may be hard to believe but multiple people have told me this after inspecting this child’s ears.  Remind me to Google Chinese fortunes based on ears…

So I arrive to pick Jake up this afternoon and Teacher Linda C. is telling me that she is sure this boy is going to be very, very successful.  (He really has her wrapped around his little finger.)  I’m thinking she’s going to tell me about his ears again, but no.  Teacher Linda C. has been reading Jacob’s palm.  (It’s easier to read when he’s sleeping FYI).

He has 3 lines which apparently means serious success is in his future.  I do not have these lines (which obviously explains why I’m just an individual contributor at the first biotech company…)  “He could be President.  Or a Congressman.  You make sure to call me when he is very successful!”  I promised that I will be sure Jacob mentions the impact of his first and favorite teacher, Teacher Linda C., when delivering his inaugural speech.  She assured me, there are no other children in this classroom with such promising palms.

Jacob and his “extra lucky” earlobes & palms.

Unicorns, dragons, & yetis…  all legendary, mythological creatures.  Just last week James told me about a new legendary creature: The Standing Jacob. 

 “Suppooooosedly” this creature, who has just learned to crawl in a coordinated fashion, stood up not once, not twice, but three times on Sunday the 8th (6 whole days before his 8-month birthday).  While I was at P.F. Chang’s “researching” my final MBA group project, The Standing Jacob apparently stood up by the couch and then knocked his little mythological noggin.  He had a very real looking bump as “proof.”

So I’ve been camped out for the last week hoping to get a glimpse of this rare, folkloric creature.  Of course, like most of those whackos with their Bigfoot sightings and Loch Ness Monster run-ins, I didn’t get a clear picture.  It was dark, I had wet hair in my face…   But I saw it with my own eyes.  Imagine a side profile of a blurry, monkey-like creature holding on to the ottoman, staring with his shiny eyes directly at the camera…  and then in a flash, as quickly as I saw him, he blended back into the dark, crowded toy forest of the livingroom…

JJ has been doing yoga since he was in the womb.  Although I remember his favorite pose (or maybe his mommy’s favorite pose) was shavasana (basically taking a nap) and then waking up for Hershey’s kisses…

Lately Baby Jake has perfected a couple of new tricks.  This isn’t the best picture, but he has definitely been doing Downward Dog:

Yesterday was the first time I saw him go from the cat-cow, aka feline-bovine pose, straight to sitting up… without looking inebriated!

And last night his daddy picked him up by his arms and he “walked” toward me.  But the best thing of all– today I went to pick Jake up at school.  He was on the floor on the other side of the room and I was busy sitting down and looking at his “My Day Form” which documents his every input and output on a daily basis…  Jakey crawled the whole way across the room to get to me.  And then he looked up at me and flashed those two little tic-tacs.  My little yogi is so big!

My guilty pleasure is America’s Next Top Model (ANTM).  Tyra Banks gets more and more ridiculous every “cycle”, but James and I love singing to the new music at the end…. “top moooodel, top mooooodel.”  It’s one of those songs you sing in your head all night long.

This season they’re trying to pick a petite model– 5’8″ or less.  Jake has obviously been taking notes.  As you can see– he has smiling with his eyes– “smizing” down like a pro.  And don’t you agree– his giraffe “look” makes him exceedingly long and lean.  He looks at least 1 lb. lighter and significantly taller.  America’s Next Top Giraffe Model?  I think so.

Wanted: Baby Reprogrammer

SDM (Sleep Deprived Mommy) seeks CBP (Ceritified Baby Reprogrammer) for coding, patch installation, and general maintenance of 4am WCS (Wake-up Call Service) in adjacent room.  Guaranteed work twice per year during Daylight Saving Time.  Operating system unknown; potentially Windows as is prone to crashing.  Money is no object.

Candy!   No silly.  Baby giraffes (also known as calves) eat acacia trees.  Yes, I had to google what giraffes eat as well as what their babies are called, after we were already in our costumes.

Look how Jakey won’t take his eyes off that Almond Joy.

Question:

WWFD: What Would Foochi Do?

Answer:

WWF: World Wrestling Federation.

I’m not really sure what his stage name and costume would look like…  Maybe a rabid squirrel with a cape?  (Obviously given those cheeks and that drool.)  But, I do know what his signature moves would be (written from Baby Jacob’s viewpoint):

1. Chest hair yank:  This has been known to make a grown man curl up into the fetal position.  Ha ha ha!  (Uncle Geoffrey’s evil laugh.)

2. Chops busting:  This involves getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth until I’ve built up enough momentum to BAM!  Lunge forward and bust your chops with my highly complimented, perfect bald head.

3. Hair pull: Similar to move #1 except that it involves a greater intensity and determination.  Take a fistful of hair and make them pry my chubby little fingers from each strand.

4. The pretend kiss: Lure the big people in by making them think I’m going to give them a sweet, smiling kiss.  Grab both cheeks and pull forward.  Aim for the nose and bite with my two mini tick-tack teeth.  Daddy really can’t blame me for this move since he’s the one who made me think of it… by pretending to eat my nose.  I just took the move to a new level by introducing the element of biting… This one can also be integrated with move #3 for a dramatic combo move.  Yes, I’m creative like that.

5. Kicking below the belt buckle: I do what it takes to win.  Even if that means fighting dirty.  I admit it.  I kick below the belt buckle.  But I mean geez, the other guy in my division outweighs me by 200 lbs!

6. Yelling, growling & tongue clicking: This isn’t so much a move as a scare tactic.  I find yelling BAH BAH BABA or Da Da or growling or clicking my tongue are highly effective.  They always seem to throw-off my opponent’s concentration so I can pull the next move…

7. The fish hook: Put my tasty little baby fingers in the big people’s mouth and then grab the side to execute the perfect…. fish hook.  Extra powerful when implemented with the clavos.  You know the clavos.

These are my favorite WWF moves.  I practice them almost every morning, with extra long matches on weekends.  After first practicing my moves on a couple of Pottery Barn catalogs, I took on the Devious Daddy.  He screamed like a little girl for Mommy to come save him.  I am the undefeated reigning champion!!

We all have meltdowns on occasion.  Preferably, we stagger them so that someone maintains a certain level of rational thinking and emotional stability.  But really, who has time for strategic meltdown scheduling?

So, a couple of days ago we noticed Jakey’s first tooth: lower front right– I should have asked Dr. Castro what number that is yesterday during my cleaning.  Tangent:  This just in.  Google is amazing.  But of course everyone already knows this.  I mean really, what did people do before they had a choice of 312,000 images when searching for “baby tooth chart?”

This may be one of the reasons that he still wakes up in the middle of the night crying.  (On weeknights mind you.  On Friday nights he sleeps like an angel.)  The existence of his first lower central right incisor OR nightmares?  Charles perceptively pointed out that our distraction game, fondly called “Space Spider,” (where your hand becomes a spider from outer space that starts out far away and then comes closer and closer till it attacks Jakey’s face) might not be contributing to peaceful, tranquil dreams.  He may have a point.  Hopefully CPS is not trolling the blogosphere in search of bad parents implementing CIO with flourescent orange hunting earplugs while their baby thrashes about, tormented by Space Spiders.

 Anyway so we have our first tooth sighting.  Plus, as of tonight, Jake is officially crawling multiple feet…. backwards.  He reportedly stole someone else’s Cheerios at school.  He rebels by rolling over…. while nursing.  He clearly says baba.  And when the stress of his mommy’s last MBA class, her every-other-day job interviews, the new house remodel, and the logistics of moving send Baby Jacob over the edge….  he turns to nature for inner peace.

How do I know when such a troublesome evening has occurred while I’ve been at class?  What IS the smell of trouble?  In one word: Rosemary.

I know when it has been a rough night because I come home from class to find my sweet baby boy smells like rosemary.  Reeks of it really.  His grantmother taught him to pick leaves at Flatrock.  Thank goodness because picking rosemary seems to be a magical baby meltdown cure.  We really should invite our neighbors, the Grumplemooses, over to pick rosemary anytime Baby Brinn is feeling fussy.

Unfortunately picking rosemary does not seem to help Daddy meltdowns due to baby meltdowns.  Even though Jacob said dadadadadaDADA about a gazillion times (and for the first time) yesterday, his Dada has been known to hold a grudge well into the next morning.  We’re moving this Saturday.  Jacob better start picking rosemary now…. ’cause I may need to roll in it.