No It All

As a follow-up to the pine needle incident…

That evening Jake was super happy and crawled and played and wrestled with abandon.  Yet all of that exercise and happiness did NOT lead to joyous, uninterrupted slumber.  It felt like Jakey woke-up every two hours.  Crying and sputtering.  In the fog of sleep, all I could think about was maybe he can’t sleep because there’s a pine needle lodged in his throat?  Maybe it’s stabbing into his little esophagus…  Could it puncture the lining of his stomach?

James thinks it’s hilarious that he knew this is exactly what I was thinking.  HA HA.

My son just ate a pine needle.

It’s Sunday, January 3rd and our Christmas vacation is coming to an end *sigh*.  Fortunately I go back to work for one day and then we’re going to Disneyland!  N-e-way, James and I were busy taking down the tree.  The teeny little tabletop tree we chopped down at Culver’s with my mom this year.  As always, Jakey is playing underneath us, having a grand old time with the silver bead garland.  And then… I see his wet little hand grab a big pine needle.  You know, he palms it off the floor since his finger/thumb combo isn’t that reliable yet.  And then he deftly shovels it into his mouth in the exact same motion he uses for organic cereal puffs.

I quick try and get his mouth open but he won’t budge.  It’s very much like the scene in my favorite holiday movie, Elf.  Will Ferrell eats cotton balls at the doctor’s office like marshmallows.  Gulp!  This is exactly the image of Jake with pine needles.

All right then, if I can’t get it out then let’s wash it down with some water.  Apparently washing down a dry pine needle with water insights significant gagging, gurgling, and gutteral noises.  But fortunately not the insta-tears from Friday when I took dried cat food out of his hand.  I’m pretty sure he got a piece of that down the ol’ hatch before I noticed, too.  You’d think I had literally taken candy from a baby… not salty little tuna-flavored kibble.  This kid will eat anything… more on that later.

I’m Jakey Jakesmom.  We’re up to the fifth biggest song of 2009, it hit #1 on two major charts, diaper changing and bath time.  Normally it’s sung with an introduction of She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain by Lady Mama (who has just realized these are two different songs).  This year’s hit at #5, I’ve Been Workin’ on the Railroad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNrLN5tYd2M

This is Jakey’s Top 40.  I’m Jakey Jakesmom.  And now we’re up to the #4 song of songs for 2009.  It’s a record that went to #1 in the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, and Australia.  This was the song of the summer of 2009 and is known to put a smile on the face of the crankiest of cranks.  The #4 song of the year–Surfin’ Safari by The Beach Daddy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FS7SUFz36lg

Next up on our count down, coming in at #3 is a song named #1 single of the year by Billboard North Pole.  It spent 9 weeks at #1 on the carols chart.  In a duet by George Clooney’s Aunt Rosemary and Santa’s Helper, Mommy, here is Suzy Snowflake:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KL3F2Zh4s10

This is Jakey’s Top 40 Count Down for 2009.  I’m Jakey Jakesmom.  This year’s second biggest song has been featured in the shower, and every room which that international sensation, Mama, departs.  Sung by Daddy Dithers with back-up vocals from the Crab Cake himself, this year’s #2–Ain’t No Sunshine (when she’s gone):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIdIqbv7SPo

We’re up to the #1 song of the year on Jakey’s Top 40 Count Down.  This song has been played at such prestigious locations as the dining room table, the back of the car, and the front lawn.  This song was also the title song of a recent Baskin Robbins commercial and has been adapted to the more popular version, Ice Cream & Jakey Cake.  Topping the chart for 2009; the #1 song of the year; this year’s biggest hit; At #1 for 2009 sung by the hip new version of the Mamas & the Papas–Ice Cream & Jakey Cake:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NC_gkcplz_4

And that wraps-up Jakey’s Top 40 Count Down of 2009.  I’m Jakey Jakesmom.  Join us next time with the best hits of 2010.  Till then, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

AGE: 9 months and 2 weeks… it’s about time for a vocab round-up.

A:  Aye Aye Aye!  Imagine that stereotypical scene of a Mexican cowboy shooting his pistola in the air as his horse stomps and bucks…  That’s what Jacob sounds like at 4am.

B: Ba Ba, BA BA.  This sound reached its pinnacle on moving day.  Consonant #3.

C: No sign of the letter C.  But he gets the most bashful smile when you say it.

D: DA DA!  Almost always yelled with total glee.  Over the last two days, this has morphed to Die Die!  Why is my innocent little baby making death threats?  Consonant #4.

E: No E.

F: Ffffff.  This sound is still fun to make.  Infrequent but especially effective on an especially drooly day.  Mmmm, bubbles.  Maybe tied for Consonant #3.

G: Goo Goo.  Jakey’s first consonant and the reason his Mommy still calls him Baby Goo Goo.  If he could, he’d probably tell his mom to stop calling him this embarrassing name. MooooOOOOM.  Consonant #1.

H: Ha ha!  I love when Jakey laughs.  I’m so much funnier.  Almost everything I say is a knee slapper…. literally.  Consonant #2.

I: No I.   Yet it’s still all about him… Let’s talk about me, let’s talk about I, let’s talk about number one oh my me my.

J: No J.

K: See C.

L: No L.  I’ve been trying to get a La La for ages.  Nada.

M: Ma Ma.  A new phenomenon as previously described.  I don’t think it actually means mama.  Though it’s interesting how it’s almost always said in a slightly tearful, slightly resistant tone.  Consonant #5, tied with N.

N: Na Na.  Nigh, Nigh.  Jakey Nigh Nigh. Is he saying this because I’m saying it and he’s tired or is this just wishful thinking?

O: No O.

P: Maybe?  Puh Puh.

Q: Does the duck quack count?  It’s not so much quack quack as Bachhqua qua quaaaa.

R: No R.  I’m sure.

S: No S.

T: No T.  But he sure loves sweet tatatoes.

U: U?  Not so much: See I.  Unless you count Uh Uh Uh.

V: Va Va.  Jacob’s first Spanish.  He, she, you (formal) go.  Wow, how advanced.

W: Wa Wa.

X: What would X even sound like?

Y: No Y.

Z: No Z.

!: Isn’t this the symbol they use for that tongue clicking sound used in southern Africa?  Yes, Jake is well on his way to mastering foreign words.  English?  No.  Zulu?  Yes!

Two weeks ago…

One little monkey playing on the bed,

He fell off and bumped his head.

Daddy called Mommy in a tearful voice and Mommy said,

No baby monkeys playing on the bed!

I’ll take “Baby Milestones” for 400.

Answer: 9 months.

“When does the connection start between men and their remote controls?”

Today is Jakey’s 9 month birthday.  And tonight we watched him creep along the ottoman, 4 or 5 steps, to get to the remote control.  He then managed to change the channel from a riveting episode of House Hunters International to Jeopardy.

I thought I read something about walking at 13 months in one of those questionable parenting magazines?  That’s still 4 months from now.  Almost half Jake’s current age.  I still have 4 months before I have to chase around a toddler, right?  Right?  Hello, Alex?

Last week Teacher Linda C. says, “JJ is making a sound all day like Donald Duck.”

Wow, I can’t believe you think that sounds like a duck?  Yes, that’s his duck quack.  He learned it from his granddad.  Or maybe the stuffed duck at his grandparents house that yells AfLaC!!  His new favorite snack?  Rubber duck.

HIGH:

Teacher Noemi: Jaimie, how old are you?

Jaimie: 32.

Teacher Noemi: Wow, I was going to guess 22.

Jaimie: Forget Teacher Linda C., you’re now my favorite teacher.

LOW: I’m on the train with Jakey in the front pack.  He immediately falls asleep.  Something smells horrible.  Great, am I now on a jam-packed baby bullet train strapped to a poopy diaper and absolutely no where to change it?  A guy gets on the train and says into his cell phone, “Ewww, it smells like Chloe’s diaper on this train.”  I would like to disappear.  Jake continues to sleep, completely oblivious to any embarrassment.  We get to school and I immediately send Jake to the changing station.  He is unequivocally absolved of guilt.  So who was responsible for that train ride?!  I was relieved that I wasn’t actually responsible.  James pointed out that it doesn’t matter… everyone thought it was the girl with the baby anyway… great.

HIGH:

After a solid week of nightly sleep training, Jacob slept from 8 to 5.  One night.  It’s a small victory.

LOW:

We’re all sick with a cold.  James -> Jake -> Jaimie…

HIGH:

Wednesday, December 2nd.  After months of DA-DAAAA!  DA DA!  Jacob says MA MA.  He doesn’t say it in his gleeful DA DA way… more like when he’s kind of crying.  But it’s definitely MA MA.  Just before his 9-month birthday. 🙂

LOW:

I’m not loving work.

HIGH:

The 100 page P.F. Chang’s paper is done.  I am officially a Master of Administering Business.  If only I had some interesting business to administer….  3 years and I finally get my life back!  What am I going to do with myself?

Ten minutes with Google and I’ve uncovered a whole new world on Chinese face reading.  I think maybe Alesia and I should investigate this as I know she has fortune-telling transactional experience.  Is it frowned upon to take your baby’s ear lobes to a psychic?

Face Reading: What Your Ears Say About Your Early Years (Should you be interested in reading your ears… I have uncovered a simple and informative article for you…)

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/30759/face_reading_what_your_ears_say_about_pg2_pg2.html?cat=34

Jacob’s first official Chinese ear reading done by his mommy via Google internet research:

* Big earlobe:  The Buddha had very big and long earlobes. (he was also bald)  So if you have big and long earlobes, it’s extremely good luck.  Everything comes very easily to you, (like eating, tongue clacking, clapping) and you know how to enjoy life.  If you run into trouble, there’s always a person there to lend you a helping hand. (or pick you up when you’re standing in your crib in the middle of the night)

* The ear is as high or higher than the eyebrows:  This means you are pure of thought with a high intellect, thus you will be steered toward the area of the arts or research.  It also means that you will not be destitute at any time in your life. (so you won’t be moving back in once you’re a grown-up!)  You might not be a millionaire because you don’t follow the business track, but you won’t be poor. (follow your heart)

* Big and rounded ear tops:  You are exceptionally smart, though not in the traditional, grade-point average way.  Understanding things comes easily, but you don’t apply your intellect to just everything.  You will engage your smarts only in the things that interest you.  Children with these ears should be encouraged to find their own niche, and they will excel at that. (no, master at flirting with female strangers on the train is not a niche…)

Today I took Jake to school in the outfit he wore to Emily and Shaun’s wedding… but a more dressed-down “school worthy” version (jeans rather than matching pants with suspenders).  This is definitely the outfit Jakey wears to get girls.  Teacher Linda C. was head over heels.  She quickly got out her camera and tried to snap a picture of Jake while pushing the other little kids out of the way.  Honestly it was like a baby mob of paparazzi with Jake striking poses.

Teacher Linda C. is either an expert at making me think Jacob is her favorite, or she is very bad at concealing her favoritism…  Previously she told me that Jake has a very promising future.  She can tell by his ear lobes.  This may be hard to believe but multiple people have told me this after inspecting this child’s ears.  Remind me to Google Chinese fortunes based on ears…

So I arrive to pick Jake up this afternoon and Teacher Linda C. is telling me that she is sure this boy is going to be very, very successful.  (He really has her wrapped around his little finger.)  I’m thinking she’s going to tell me about his ears again, but no.  Teacher Linda C. has been reading Jacob’s palm.  (It’s easier to read when he’s sleeping FYI).

He has 3 lines which apparently means serious success is in his future.  I do not have these lines (which obviously explains why I’m just an individual contributor at the first biotech company…)  “He could be President.  Or a Congressman.  You make sure to call me when he is very successful!”  I promised that I will be sure Jacob mentions the impact of his first and favorite teacher, Teacher Linda C., when delivering his inaugural speech.  She assured me, there are no other children in this classroom with such promising palms.

Jacob and his “extra lucky” earlobes & palms.