No It All

Growing-up, we had the most loving white umbrella cockatoo named Roxie.  We bought her at the Santa Cruz flea market, where we bought several other birds that were most certainly smuggled in from far away places and then sold to slightly suspecting bargain shoppers at the drive-in movie/swap meet.  Every night at dusk, Roxie would squawk.  The most ear-piercing, rhythmic, incessant Raaaaaawk, Raaaaaawk, Raaaaaawk!  My mom read that parrots in the jungle call to each other at dusk in order to find their flock for the night.

Jake is a lot like Roxie, regardless of the time of day.  We’re at the mall and I hear a child scream 200 yards away.  It doesn’t register consciously.  Until Jake screams back.

Screeeeeeam!  He calls out to his flock.  His feathered comrades are everywhere… in the park, at school, in the grocery store.  He feels compelled to call to them.  I’m here!  I’m here!

Little screaming kindred spirits, passing… morning, noon and night.

Last week was Jake’s 17 month birthday.  I’m pretty sure that he has been exposed to more wild bears in 17 months than most people have in a lifetime.  But I’m getting ahead of myself…

A couple of weeks ago Jacob came home with a great picture of an oso (that’s bear in Spanish.  I’m sure you knew this in 9th grade but understand if you haven’t retained this tidbit of vocabulary).  So Jakey brings home my new favorite piece of diningroom artwork.  Later on, I was watching the news and he says “Oso, oso!”  Not sure what the story was– I was too impressed with this new lexicon.

Rewind to when Jake was 3 1/2 months old… we decide to go to the hunting cabin in Pennsylvania with my family.  There’s really nothing like camping in a cabin with no running water in the wilderness with a new baby.  Actually, in hindsight, it was significantly better than 2 weekends ago.  There I go again, getting ahead of myself.  Anyway, we are at the cabin no more than 3 hours when James goes out the cabin door to check on his BBQ, holding Baby Jake in his arms.  About 20 feet away a bear was “using the facilities,” right next to the outhouse.  This was Jacob’s first encounter with Juan the Bear (who then proceeded to find Geoff, Angela and me up at the lake… but that’s another story for another time).

Now fast forward to two weekends ago.  We went to Yosemite on a 3-night camping trip with the Kellums (Jamie, Marcus and Jack), the Palms (Melanie, Dave, Amelia and Chloe), and Jenny and Steve.  Jenny and Steve got the “most adventurous award” in their actual enthusiasm about camping with 4 kids, 3 under the age of 1 1/2, none of them their own.

The campsite, Crane Flat, was a dirt pit.  There were no showers.  But wait, there’s more.  Crane Flat “has a lot of bear activity.”

The first night I am convinced we all slept in ignorant bliss.  The second night, not so much.

At about 1:30 in the morning, Jamie A. now K. awakens in the middle of the night and jabs Marcus.  There’s a bear in our campsite.  Marcus gets up and instead of making loud noises to scare the bear away (he missed this 30 second ranger tutorial when checking-in), quick jumps in his van and drives out looking for a ranger.  Meanwhile Jamie is left cowering in terror, grasping her son who has only just celebrated his first birthday, that very night.  We are ignorantly sawing zzzz’s 2 yards away in our tent.  Of course the rangers work from 8am-6pm so Marcus returns and must take the situation into his own hands.

I wake-up to the following shouting outside our tent, “Get the f&*k out of here, F&8#er!  I will kill you!” (This literally must have scared the s*&^ out of the bear, as we noticed the next morning.)

Jake stands up in his Pack n’ Play, disoriented.  Then the bear bolts directly toward Jamie and Jack in their tent.  Jamie watches through her little screened window in horror as the bear comes galloping directly at her, only to make a hard left turn after she has gotten a look right up his nostrils.

By this point I have sent James out of the tent to help save us.  He comes back a bit later, reporting that the bear had gotten a white wine box that was left on top of our bear box.  What was in this box you ask?  Oh, just our leftover lunch… tuna fish, a box of Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Entertaining Collection cookies, and a gourmet orange Izzie soda.  The bear ate the cookies and drank the soda.  Great, I was really looking forward to eating some more of those cookies!  And now it’s our fault that we are being terrorized by the bear.  There is a fine if the rangers find you are at fault for “bear activity.”

I am frozen in terror, clutching my flashlight and watching every shadow illuminated on the sides of our new tent mansion.  I don’t think the bear will purposely get me, but is likely to lumber right through my tent out of sheer bewilderment.  There is an invisible tent cable that keeps tripping all of us.  The bear will surely trip on this and come sprawling through my “screen porch.”  Jake is cocooned in my sleeping bag in case I have to sacrifice myself to save the innocent.  James finally comes back to bed.

I hear a twig crack.  My heart is racing.  “James, I think the bear is out there.”  James sticks his head out of the tent–the bear is hiding in the woods by our microscopically thin, nylon door, hoping to sneak back for the overlooked tuna fish.  Somehow the bear gets back in and fearfully, climbs a tree directly over our bear box in the middle of our camp.

All I can think about is how I left my chapstick in our daypack in our tent.  With me.  And little helpless Baby Jake.  Anything that smells is supposed to be in the bear box.  Please God, don’t let me die for a tube of Blistex.  Why did I watch that news story about the camper being bitten in his tent in Yellowstone, and then the next guy being killed?  (Luckily I didn’t watch the show Melanie watched, “When Bears Attack.”)  Exhausted, I finally fall asleep.

On the third and last night I did a thorough camp inspection.  Anything remotely bear-bait-like was stowed safely in the bear box.  All night I can hear “Pepperidge the Bear” terrorizing other campers above us on this hill.  Each time these crazy people would hit their car panic buttons, lay on their horns and wake us up with the clambor of what we deemed “The Bear Parade.”  I kept my big pan and wooden spoon next to my bed in case I needed to save my family.  We were so thankful when these campers scared a new bear back through our campsite on the morning of the third day.

Jake loved camping… tons of dirt, sugary snacks, swimming every day.  I am still beary tired.

“Holy molar Batman!  I owe my life to dental hygiene.”

Yes, I married a man who has said this to me on countless occasions.   How does he even find appropriate situations to whip out this Robin quote?  I have no idea… but you have to be somewhat impressed, right?  I got in trouble with Jacob’s Grantmother for not having documented the fact that he has multiple molars.

I’m pretty sure he has 3 and a half. “Brush teeth, Nigh-nigh” has been particularly challenging this week.  I hope his vitamins with fluoride are helping to counteract the ineffectiveness of “suck on toothbrush, arch back, squirm, cry and escape in a blur of black cape and pointy ears”… which is roughly what happened tonight.

You know, Batman is known for his teeth, as most bats are I’m sure.  Nigh-nigh Bruce Wayne.  I’ll get you next time.

One of James’ favorite movies is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  Gene Wilder, not Johnny Depp.  Apparently, Willy Wonka looks like his dad.  In general, I’ve been Roald Dahl’s biggest fan since Mr. Shepherd’s lunchtime readings in 4th grade.  Unfortunately, the creepy singing tunnel scene makes this movie unwatchable for me.

In one scene, Mr. Beauregarde yells, “Violet, you’re turning violet!”  And then she becomes a blueberry (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNm1kfxlNJQ&feature=related).

Have I mentioned how many blueberries Jakey eats?  It’s his favorite food.  It’s the perfect food.  He’s probably eaten a case of blueberries just in the past 3 months.  So, it didn’t surprise me when we took his little shirt off after school the other day, and his chest was blue.  It was only a matter of time.

It’s all Alesia’s fault.  She is the reason that I have been addicted to a certain teenage romance vampire series.  Honestly, I like it, but I don’t love it.  Not in the same way that I love my Phillipa Gregory princess books.  In any case, I’m still addicted.  And the vampire books seem to be sucking my blog brain dry.

I never could figure out how James always knew everything that had gone on in the sporting world.  Football, baseball, basketball.  Names, scores, amazing plays.  Then he finally let me in on his secret.  Apparently there is this show called SportsCenter that tells you everything you need to know about sports in 30 minutes.  The secret to maintaining your manliness and your marriage.  Just wait… bear with me, there is a link between SportsCenter and vampires.

So I’m quietly reading my e-book, fairly skeptical that kissing an ice cold, marble boy would really be any good… even if he is a super model, when a certain guy I know asks, “Have they played vampire baseball yet?”

“What?!  How do you know they play baseball?  What else do you know about this book?”  

Said unnamed man I know rattles off: the vampire dad’s a doctor, there is a boy named Jacob, he’s a werewolf, she lives with her dad.

Uh.  I don’t know what to say.  I didn’t even know the werewolf thing– great, thanks for ruining the second book.  This guy swears he has not read these books.  I am highly suspicious that all of this knowledge is possible through ads and pop culture osmosis.

Can someone tell me which channel the 30 minute VampireCenter program is on?

Jacob loves his Dada.  And now that he goes to his new school, he gets to spend even more time riding around in the car with his Dad… visiting houses, walking to Peet’s, and playing in the backyard.  Lately, Jake has been pointing to various men around town and yelling, “Dada!”  It seems Dada has been expanded to include all men.  The other day, Jake pointed at this guy that was probably 7 feet tall, “Dada!”

Frequently, he’ll point at homeless men, “Dada.”  James is particularly offended by this specific comparison.

Sometimes he points at elderly men, “Dada.”  That’s when I’m offended…  I can certainly do better.

James points to himself and emphasizes, “I’m the Dada.”  Jakey points to himself and replies, “IdaDada!”  I think it’s hopeless.

Let’s do a round-up of new words for the week.  Well, maybe the last few weeks.  I’m a bit behind on my blogging.

* Stop!: In an effort to reduce how much we’ve been saying “no” I began introducing a new word, looking for a similar response.  Stop.  Now Jakey says both no and stop… all the time.  His dad has started using “Freeze.”  Fortunately, he leaves the “Sucka” unsaid.

* Shower: Pretty soon I won’t have a son anymore, I’ll have a raisin.  Our little pisces baby is water crazed.  He plays at the water table every day at school.  His dad takes him skinny dipping in the backyard blow-up pool before dinner (to be perfectly clear, Jakey, not his dad).  Every night he gets a bath.  Well now, he also wants to take a shower every time, anyone is taking a shower.  I’ve started bathing covertly.  The other morning he was asleep while I slipped into the shower.  I’m told he instantly sat bolt upright and said Shower! as soon as the water turned on.

* Diaper:  Not surprising.

* Mine!: One of those words he must have picked-up at school.  Between No, Stop, and Mine, he’s a force to be reckoned with.

Harry Potter has a lightening bolt on his forehead.  Jake has a pentagon.  No joke.  He was born with veins on the left side of his forehead that look just like the shape on a soccer ball.

Much to the joy and delight of his mommy and granddad…

He has been obsessed with anything remotely resembling a ball for most of his life at this point.  So, what would any good mommy do?  Lie of course.

I lied about his age (only by 2 months) and signed him up for “Bug Ball” with his buddy Costa.  Yesterday was their second “soccer practice.”  Yes, I paid good money to have Jake run around and kick the ball on a field, which he does for free, up and down the hallway night and day.

They have “drills” like:

* “Run to the red (yellow, green, blue) cone”:  Jacob has no idea what is going on, but really, does anyone else?

* “Stop the ball with your elbow (head, knee, foot)”:  Jake knows the words stop, ball and foot.  Yet, this still does not translate.

* They put out a tunnel and a balance beam and rings:  Jake tries to roll the tunnel around while other kids are in it.  He cannot be talked into entering the rolling tunnel of danger.  Costa picks up the blue and green ring every week and carries them around behind him… one in each hand.

* And they play parachute:  This week Jakey bravely ran under the chute several times.  He’s very careful not to be under it when we let it go and some of the kids come perilously close to suffocation by rainbow flying apparatus.

Since the World Cup, where my Spanish compadres exited victorious, Jake has learned to put his arms in the air and yell “Goooool!”  Except that if you listen very closely, you’ll notice he’s actually yelling “Dole!”  Perhaps he is cheering for pineapple…

Like most kids, Jakey is a dancin’ machine.  He rocks back and forth, from butt cheek to butt cheek, countless times a day.  You’re obliviously walking through Target and don’t even notice “Hey Soul Sister, ain’t that Mister Mister…” going on in the background until you see Jake rocking to the beat.  If he had a tail, it would be wagging.

Two weeks ago we went to Farmer’s Market in SLO (more on this later) and every block had a new live band.  Jakey was in heaven.

One afternoon he did an unforgettable rendition of the robot with various levels of bending at the waist.

Anything that makes a sound can be danced to… a cell phone ringing… the oven timer going off… but funniest of all is the thermometer.  (I’m sure Jacob will be soooo embarrassed by this blog in the future.  “Mooooooooom!  I can’t believe you wrote that!… that’s what he’ll say when he can speak in sentences.)  So, the thermometer.  You know the one.  The “unmentionable” thermometer.  It goes beep beep beep when it’s time to read the temperature, and brings a whole new meaning to the words Dance Fever.

So, according to this blog o’ mine, Jake got his first tooth when he was just about 7 months old.  (Apparently Einstein said something about not storing information in your head that you can easily look up… supposedly with regard to his own phone number being in the phone book.  Well, we know how I feel about phone books… In any case, I subscribe to this potential Einstein urban myth logic.  All important Jacob milestones are on the blog, not in the limited real estate of my noggin.)

So, 7 months.  Jake is now 15 months and has 8 teeth: 4 front top, 4 front bottom.  Based on my math, it took us 8 months to use one of those teeny little travel sized kid toothpaste tubes.  8 months.  Kids basically eat toothpaste and yes, toothpaste is poisonous.  Therefore, the toothpaste directions say something to the effect of “just barely get the bristles blue so as not to POISON the miniature love of your life.”

We just bought a regular size tube of kid toothpaste.  There was no option that didn’t contain sparkles.  My calculations suggest that Jake will be taking this toothpaste with him to college.