I usually cry on my birthday. I’m not known for being a big crier– James declared me a robot many times. But after practically three years of almost daily cries, I’ve sure shown you, Jame.
And on my last birthday with him, I remember sitting on our bed and crying. He’s holding both of my hands. And he’s listening as I’m spinning out. I feel the time slipping through our fingers, even as my mind can’t really grasp what’s happening.
He looks me in the eyes and he says, “Jame, I’m still here. I’m still here.”
This summer, Jacob wakes-up one weekend and tells me he’s going “thrifting” with two buddies. The child who once yelled, “I will never like clothes as much as you, Dad!” Likely still true but my how things change. He wears your t-shirts almost daily, sometimes impressing all of us with a jacket.
You’re still here.
Earlier this year I walk into the boys’ bedroom in the barn and Nate quick turns his phone over on the bedspread. Suspecting something nefarious, I flip the screen over, only to find he’s looking at expensive sneakers.
You’re still here.
Jacob’s curiosity for eating continues to drive his interest in expanding his meal making mastery. Since going to the gym almost daily, the Protein Marketers have found their mark. We make steaks on the grill and I teach him how you taught me that meat gets harder when we press the spatula down, and that’s how we know it’s ready.
You’re still here.
Then yesterday, the boys go to Michael Rose for haircuts, for the first time, all by themselves. Jacob drives. And uses his credit card for approved purchases only. I forget to coach him on the right percentage for tipping. Next time. They arrive home and Nate declares he is never branching out. Ever. Michael Rose has earned himself a loyal clientele for life. At dinner I impart the ol’ Dad wisdom that you have got to take a shower and wash your hair before climbing into your bed. Jacob immediately agrees. Meanwhile Nate makes a case that all of the little hairs have most likely shaken off as he ran the mile at practice. Right? Nope. This is Dad Wisdom that can’t be ignored. He heads-up to the shower, no questions asked.
And now I’m sitting here on what I like to call Field Day Friday. Unlike you, I don’t know a single barista. I’ll never really know how you made so many friends. They call your name.
It’s the big trips and the anniversaries and the new milestones, big and small. But mostly it’s in the little things day to day. Jacob’s ability to win over almost anyone. Nate’s quiet confidence. The way they get ready and head off to school, no bickering, no rushing. Just the time-aware pair, chatting in their language using words I’ll never know about things I’ll never understand. Forever is such a long time. It’s never felt longer.
But, you’re still here.