I only remember being mad at my grandma, Me-mommie, twice. The second time was when she declared she was giving-up cookie baking. Self-explanatory. And the first time was when she told me she didn’t know what little girls liked because she was the mom of two boys. Little girl me considered this unthinkable. Blasphemous, really. How could she have completely lost touch with her inner child? Could she not feel the unmistakable draw of ponies and dollhouses and rainbow sparkles?
These days I have a bit more empathy for her boy mom predicament. Years of Pokemon, Legos, Nerf guns, and video games can drown out previous lives. Which is why I like writing gift guides for my future self. Of course, future generations will likely refer to the interests and possessions of “the 2020’s” in the same way Nate loves to sneer disdainfully about me “being from the 1900’s.” But, it helps me remember the various eras of this childhood. The ever-changing light and shadow of what’s considered fire and what’s considered mid during these brief moments in time.
For the last few years, we were in this blissful space where the boys didn’t really want or need anything. Nate had his X-box and Jacob had his PC and they were immersed in Fortnite and wanted for nothing. They had no interest in clothes. Or toys. Or new electronics. All they really wanted was Visa gift cards so they could throw good money at forbidden purchases like digital jewels and “skins.” And now everything has changed. It’s birthday and graduation season at our house and American consumer culture has grabbed them by the, um, somethings and now we’re focused on how to earn money and save up for all the things. You can absolutely want and have whatever it is your little thirteen-year-old self wants. Just know that some things, you’ll have to buy yourself.
And so… while this gift guide does not embrace Italian designer brands, or knock-offs of such things, it does embrace this time in our teenage life, and the four F’s of fourteen, fifteen and fixteen:
Fit
Fragrance
Food
&
Fun
FIT
Pants: It started with a brand called Empyres found at a place called Zoomies. These are the words I must commit to memory. A few pairs from Vans. And now some jeans from a site called Jaded London, and the Spanish H&M, Zara. Athleisure shorts are OUT. Except for the two hour exception of sports practice. Otherwise I can’t be seen in shorts, Mom. I’ll lose aura.
Hoodies: We are always in need of good hoodies. They are the raincoats of California’s children. We’ve found most of our best hoodies at soccer tournaments and Japangeles and on vacations. I’m pretty sure zippers also lose aura so look for pullovers.
AirPods: Your youngest child may be using AirPods you found serendipitously on the ground in a Cal Poly parking lot at night. Yes, we cleaned them, teenage eye roll. And now that only one works at a time, and he keeps switching what look like white electric toothbrush heads back and forth, maybe it’s time to buy a new pair. Yes it’s easier to get his attention but he has been the one that was totally fine with gutter trash hand-me-downs. Consider springing for noise cancellation on the new ones.
FRAGRANCE
Jack Henry deodorant: Now you’re going to look at the pricetag of this deodorant and balk, but hear me out. We never would have known about it if, of course, James hadn’t carried it in the shop. We were fortunate enough to have over a year’s supply in 2023. When our supply ran out, we went back to Native. Their enticing flavors especially appeal to Nate. OK, I just googled Native and they have a new line of “Jarritos” scents. Point made. And while we like its aluminum-free credentials and fragrance options, it doesn’t hold a candle to Jack Henry. Jack Henry only comes in one scent called “Sandalwood and Pink Pepper.” It smells great and more importantly, it works. It’s $20 on Amazon vs. Native’s $14 price point. I don’t know if these premium deodorants have always cost this much or if I’ve just noticed it as I’m now a cashier at every store I frequent. In any case, boys have almost no beauty or hair products. No make-up. No jewelry. Besides toothpaste, this is practically it. And when you’re driving home in the evening after a long day of PE, track practice, and soccer, you’ll appreciate the steamy interior of your car not requiring you to drive home in the winter with your nose-hairs singed and your windows down. Pop these bad boys into the slumber party goodie bags for friends and teammates.
Acqua di Parma: As any teen boy will tell you based on the many hours of Jeremy Fragrance they’ve consumed on YouTube, you’ve got to gatekeep your products so no one steals your signature scent. Which is why I’m strategically not naming his fave. We discovered this Italian brand during our fragrance field trip at the Amsterdam version of Sephora. Apparently, “Baron Carlo Magnani, a refined connoisseur and independent thinker, founded Acqua di Parma in 1916 as an alternative to opulent perfumes.” They seem to have abandoned Carlo’s original disdain for opulent price points, but that’s why we look for small bottles on Amazon and as a new way to kill time in airports.
Nate’s first period teacher apparently has a fragrance allergy and has implemented a “scent inspection” as they file into the classroom. While I’m not so sure about the legitimacy of this “policy” and I’m sure in this environment, someone could certainly raise a stink about it, I can see both sides. One, we need every person interested in teaching middle school. Plus, middle school boys have to be rigorously trained on two fundamental truths: 1) Fragrance is NOT an alternative to the aforementioned deodorant and 2) One-spray-is-ENOUGH-your-brother-agrees-stop-arguing-with-me. This range of fragrances smell great, they’re light, and if push comes to shove, implement The Workaround: Spray your sweatshirt. Take it off for smell inspection. Put it back on again as you slide into your seat.
FOOD
Foreign snack boxes: The boys have been grateful recipients of various monthly snack boxes compliments of one of their most generous foodie aunties. The presentation of Bokksu was particularly stunning for snacks. After trying a few versions, Nate’s gift idea is money and a ride to the local Asian Market for a “make your own box” experience.
Simmer sauces: I don’t even remember how I used to plan dinners a few years ago. I remember James making most everything and I was on vegetables and salad. I have a new, impressive system if I do say so myself. It involves Pinterest and watching the Premier League. But sometimes, I like to give myself a break by gifting Williams-Sonoma simmer sauces. Just pour the jar over chicken, bake, and this dinner is bussin’, Mom. A gift for them. And for you.
FUN
Indoor basketball hoop: We are SO close to the boys finally having their own rooms. Though they will still share a bathroom as Dad believes kids are required to share something. No en suite for you. Looking for a design-forward option for your child that will throw a ball into a container for hours if you let him? Look no further than Etsy. Consider it a birthday housewarming gift.
Bigger Mattresses: Putting mattresses in the fun category could be misinterpreted. C’mon people, this blog is PG-13. Teenagers like to sleep and eat. Probably in that order. And they’re still sleeping in their “big boy beds.” Yeah, the ones we regretfully implemented from the crib to an unfenced sleeping arrangement. I’m sure a field trip to Christian’s Mattress Xpress will be a content creation opportunity.
Online driving course: Fifteen-year-olds have to do a lot of hours of online learning that are as effective as online training at work. But it’s the law.
Sunglasses: Aforementioned fifteen-year-olds cannot be trusted to drive your car and master the art of managing the sun visor while making left-hand turns. Time for the post-Nerf era of eye protection.