Back when I was an intern, yeah, waaaay back, I had a boss named Richard. One day he asked me for my perspective on something and I expressed uncertainty about what I thought. And he said, “Jaimie, you’re here to have an opinion. So you better have one.” Clearly I didn’t need to learn that lesson twice… I most certainly have never gotten that feedback again.
So when James and I discovered that one of the core contributors to our harmonious life was that Nate rarely had a strong opinion, we got to work. He naturally defers to his brother. Or his buddy Cruz. He has these tricky stalling tactics like answering most decisions with an “I don’t know.” He is masterful at the noncommittal grunt. Or asking me what I want. Or what I want him to choose. He’s genuinely unbothered by handing over his choices to more dominant voices. In many cases, I genuinely believe it makes absolutely no difference to him. But speaking up for oneself and being in touch with what you want is an important life skill and so we practice it regularly.
A couple of months ago, I took him to Target for Gatorade and asked him to choose. He couldn’t decide. He tried to get me to do it. So we broke it into smaller choices.
“Well if you narrowed it down to two colors, what would they be?” (Yes, Gatorade comes in colors, not flavors.)
“I guess red and blue.”
“Great. Red and blue. Way to narrow it down. Now which do you think would be better, red? Or blue?”
“I don’t know. You pick it.”
“Nope, this is your decision. Let’s think about this. You know you like red, right? And that blue is new so it could be good?”
“Yeah.”
“OK, so red is the good and safe choice. And blue is a risk and something you want to try, yeah? Which do you choose… the safe bet or take a risk?”
He chose blue. I like that he took the risk.
Over Spring Break, Nate asked me if I wanted to watch a movie together. He loves doing this. Just like his dad. He proposes we watch Coming to America. Also just like his dad. I’m certain he nominated this because it was one of James’ faves, and I’m also certain he was thinking about the topless bathing scene… he told me as much.
James always quoted this movie… one of his main go to’s was “Whatever youuuuu like.” He would drive me crazy when trying to come up with weekend plans with a string of sing-songy “Whatever youuuuu likes.” Luckily Nate hasn’t picked-up this trick.
A few weeks later, Cruz’s dad asks me if Nate wants to go to a week of soccer camp in Santa Barbara this summer. Nate already has two overnight camps on the calendar. Plus a week of soccer day camp. He’s on the couch and I ask him to pause his game.
“Nate, do you want to go with Cruz to a week of overnight soccer camp in Santa Barbara?”
“Yes.”
No pause. No hesitation. No analysis of pros and cons. Impressive improvement.
Nate, you’re here to have an opinion. So you better have one. And I don’t mean just one Kiddo.