I’ll never forget my eighth grade Civics class with Mr. Patterson. He was a tall, slender, silver-haired man tasked with teaching us the great responsibilities and privileges of citizenship. And we were singularly focused on attending “The New York Trip,” which also included DC and Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Besides learning the meaning of “BMOC” and the vague outlines of the three branches of government, I mostly remember the Great State Capital Memorization Test.
I can also confidently say that memorizing the states and their capitals has had very little real-world value since then. I mean, of course I need a vague sense of where Kansas is. And yes, I’m happy to report that I wouldn’t publicly humiliate myself via tweet by congratulating them on their Super Bowl win, but otherwise, I’ve never needed to reference Frankfort in my entire life. Unlike math, which I use every day at work, and emphasize repeatedly on our after school drives home.
So back to eighth grade. Besides the scrunchies and Z Cavaricci’s, I remember several sessions of studying with Jamie A. and Sarah. By this point we were pretty versed in the power of mnemonic memorization devices. A class just on this topic would be infinitely more valuable in life than memorizing states and capitals, but I digress.
Some *mumbling* years later, the two I can recall are that Illinois looks like the grampa from the Simpsons, upside down, and the Simpsons live in Springfield, Illinois! The other one, which I’d also bet Jamie A. and Sarah remember is: My brother Geoff gives me Misery, which equates to: Jefferson City is in Missouri. (This was clearly just a pneumonic device, Geoffrey George. Believe me, it’ll save your bacon when Devon hits the fifth grade…) After one or two trips in a station wagon with her three siblings, Sarah had the most real world experience with Missouri. She was saving up to buy her own plane ticket.
Fast forward to a new generation of fifth graders and the Great State Capital Memorization Test has been moved-up three years given today’s childhood demands. Two tests have taken place and, I take it from Jacob’s dramatic evening outburst, they’ve not gone that well. The east coast test is tomorrow and all is lost, wail, wail, cry, cry. Salt Lake City.
Silence! Clearly you’re unaware of Mama’s Mnemonic Magic. Get over here. Buck-up. We’ve got this.
He’s got Maine and New Hampshire down, no problemo. But he doesn’t like my recommendation that Vermont looks like a “V”. “No it doesn’t, Mom!” He sees a duck face in New York and draws it in. I’m told Vermont looks like a beanie that the duck is wearing. For two days we exclaim, “The beanie on the duck is?… Vermont!” And then we sing, “Montepelier is up in Vermont.” Followed by my additional idea that it’s Vermontpelier (we pronounce the “r”).
And the state shaped like a gun shooting the duck is Massacre, otherwise known as Massachusetts. The little bullet under the gun is Rhode Island. And the state connecting the gun with the bullet is Connecticut (also pronouncing every letter).
Pennsylvania looks like a big flat rock, because we go there to visit Flatrock. And the capital sounds German, I’m told. Ohio is to the left. Jacob says, “Are you Columbus with me to Pennsylvania?” Under Pennsylvania is a fish-shaped state called West Virginia. Our friend Charleston likes to fish.
We head back to the coast. There is a state that looks like a face throwing-up on Pennsylvania. It’s New Jersey. And the silverware holding the guy’s mouth open is Delaware. Which leads us to the DelMarVa coast: Delaware, Maryland, Virginia. The extra line is Washington DC. I tell the inappropriate story about grumpy Daddy and Crapannapolis.
Jake decides Virgina looks like a bird flying west. There’s a rally (Raleigh) in North Carolina, and last but not least, South Carolina. Learn this song by watching a video you found on YouTube a dozen times, and you’re set. Several practice runs and Jake has it all delicately stored in short-term memory.
On Friday evening I pick him up from Club Star and excitedly ask, “How did the States Test go?!”
“We had a substitute, so there was no States Test today!”
You’re Frankfort kidding me.
*Image courtesy of ZoCo products.