ShortFALL

There’s something about Jake’s presence that inspires my loving life partner to indirectly point out my… um… shortcomings.

“Jakey, Mama is bad at putting on lids.”  Hmmm.  I hadn’t even noticed this area for development.  It does take me at least two tries to get the lid screwed on to those sippy cups.

“Jacob, Mama never replaces the toilet paper.”  Well, sure– point out the obvious.  I’m pretty sure in high school, my own mom used to charge me $1 for each incident.  But my most current Restoration Hardware toilet paper holder has done wonders to boost this deficiency.

“Jakey, why can’t Mama swallow pills?”  Yes.  I gag and practically regurgitate my prenatal vitamin every night.  I cannot tolerate an audience.  I will never be one of those old ladies that pops a handfull of pills in my mouth and then swallows them dry.  Never.

A few weeks ago we got a new carpet for the livingroom that doesn’t fight with our new curtains (replacing the dusty polyester granny drapes that came with our house).  The edge of the carpet took a day or two to finally flatten out after being rolled up.  Jake must have tripped on the edge of the carpet 8 or more times that first night.  Face plant every time.  Our friend Jay thought it was hilarious.  Now let’s keep in mind that Jakey has been walking for a total of 8 months… not long in the scheme of things.

“Jacob, your mom is so uncoordinated.  That must be where you get it.”

What?!  Uncoordinated?  Now this I must contest.

I am not known for being uncoordinated.  I have been selected by many a coach for my coordination– on the basketball court, softball field, volleyball court, soccer pitch and track.  Being vertically challenged made me pretty fast and contributed to my coordination.  Sure I’ve been known to trip on occasion, particularly in the presence of uneven sidewalks and flip-flops, but it’s not like I walk around with frequent scabs on my forehead like my mother and maternal grandfather.

The following day I had a meeting across campus and used my badge to open the glass door in the building lobby.  I pulled the door toward me and it slammed me in the eye.  I made it to the restroom, as discreetly as a pregnant cyclops can stumble.  Two days later, my brow bone still hurts.  Luckily I can feel the bump, but you can’t really see it.

Shhhh… don’t tell James.

The Perfect Toilet Paper Holder