No It All

Geoff and Angela have a dog.  And his name is Scruffy.

I’d say he’s the perfect dog.  Just like granddkids are the perfect kids.  Jakey can play with “his” dog, feed him dozens of dog cookies, get him all riled-up, and then come home.  Honestly, it’s genius.  No leashes, no plastic baggies, no whining and scratching in the middle of the night… why didn’t we think of this before?  There was one little incident where Scruffy chewed-up Jakey’s toy car.  Fortunately, Daddy was able to fix it and its only got one wonky wheel.  Plus, the perfect Scruffy teemed up with Santa in an effort at redemption and gave Jake three new cars over the holidays.

Jacob loved the new cars, but now Scruffy’s got some competition.  There’s a new “puppy” in town and he’s gaining on Scruff’s initially staggering lead.  The new puppy eats Cheerios from under the highchair (granted he may be the reason they’re there).  He follows Jakey around the house constantly– his most loyal companion.  Plus he comes when called and can’t get up on the furniture.  He also smells better than your average dog and there’s no pesky dog hair.  He’s even learning to play ball.  His only shortcomings may be that he is able to break through all puppy “houses” (barricades) and he’s fairly disobedient.  He also could eat wheels off cars.  If he could get his little paws on one for longer than three seconds before it’s snatched away.

And Jake gets Daddy and me to take care of all his puppy chores– feeding, bathing, cleaning-up.  Seems he’s got this pet parenting thing down pat.  Doggone.

Our life is all about trains.  And cars.  And airplanes.  Basically all modes of transportation.  Right now Jakey is yelling from his bed to “bring him all the cars.”  It’s like a bunkbed parking lot in there.  It seems your house can either be a princess explosion or in our case, a choo choo explosion.

So we have a lot of elaborate tracks.  And precarious bridges that seem to fall down if you breathe wrong.  Jakey is also at that age where he makes up stories while he’s playing.  I’ve got to try and record and transcribe one of these stories– they usually revolve around rescuing someone, cows on the tracks or looking for a cement truck’s mama.

And what’s more incompatible than little wheeled choking hazards and a 10-month old?  Not much.  Nakezilla wreaks havoc in an instant.  His knees don’t bend when he walks.  His big hands grab cars and then he eats them.  Little voices wail in fear, “No Nake, no!”  Tracks go flying.  He roars with delight.  Nakezilla can clear a play table in seconds, toppling bridges and flattening skyscrapers like toys.  Or toy skyscrapers.

Personally, I think Nakezilla has brought life to Jake’s stories– suspense, fear, action.  Jake thinks we’re saying Nate’s full name really fast– Nakecillo.

Sayonara Thomas.

Back when Jake was about Nate’s age, he had his two bottom front teeth and was about to get his top teeth.  One night he was “pole dancing” under our marble bistro table, took a dive, and lord knows how, chipped his little front tooth– before he even had a little front tooth.  I got in big trouble for once referring to it as his “Okie tooth.”  Luckily it’s not noticeable and these teeth will fall out at some point, right?

A couple of weeks ago I went in for my usual biannual dental appointment.  I got to talking to the hygienist and was asking questions about what would happen at Jake’s first dental appointment.  Fortunately, it sounds like the expectations are pretty low.  This is really good news as I’m imagining he’ll probably refuse to even open his mouth… though now I’m wondering why I signed him up for dental insurance if all that’s planned is a 15-minute appointment?  I think I’ve wandered right into yet another root cause of rising health care costs.

So, I was making conversation with the hygienist and said something along the lines of, “How many molars should kids have?  I remember hearing something about 2-year molars… I don’t think my son Jake ever got those…” and my voice trails-off as this freshly minted tooth cleaner looks at me as though I’ve just said I brush my toddler’s teeth with Coke every night before bedtime.

?!  Toddler molars are the least of my worries.  What exactly is the dentist going to do if he hasn’t gotten these teeth… put in an emergency call to the Tooth Fairy?  Let’s all just be glad that he sucks toothpaste off his toothbrush every night.  “Mama, I need to brush teeth.  My teeth are falling out.”  See?  I told him if he doesn’t brush his teeth they’ll fall out… so he hasn’t gotten it exactly right.

While we’re on the subject of teeth, as far as I can tell, the instant babies get them, they go from unskilled laborer to doctor of dental surgery.  Almost overnight.  The first week of December, I had a business trip to Beverly Hills.  I came home and Nate had upped his dental production by 100%, getting both of his top front teeth.  And now I can’t keep his hands out of my mouth.  He finds my pearly whites endlessly fascinating.  And Nate’s teeth are big, square and straight.  They’re nothing like the little tic-tac teeth Jakey has.

Just this week James noticed that Jacob is getting all four of his “second molars.”  Thank goodness he isn’t some sort of dental anomaly due to motherly neglect.  Call the Tooth Fairy back… false alarm.

I just read the best book.  It’s a kid book so ratchet your excitement down just a notch.  That’s better.

It’s called HONK!: The Story of a Prima Swanerina by Pamela Duncan Edwards.  It has a lovely handwritten inscription on the inside cover: 1998 Merry Christmas Hailey, love Aunt Janelle.  This may be one of the best Santa Cruz flea market finds of 2011.  That Granddad knows all the good holiday gift stalls.

To summarize the story, it’s about a Parisian swan who dreams of dancing in Swan Lake.  What?  That doesn’t sound great to you?!  Well trust me.  It’s a real page turner.  With sprightly dialogue and illustrations of haughty French opera-goers, it provides numerous opportunities to practice your foreign accents while reading.  In the version I tell, the smarmy Opera House manager seems to have come across the border from Germany seeking additional opportunities for advancement in theater management.

If you’re looking for an alternative to Curious George or Dr. Seuss, it looks like you can find pure joy in bedtime reading for only $6.80 at Amazon.com.  Thanks Auntie Janelle.

This was the first year that Jacob really got Santa.  As we watched The Christmas Story at Nonna and Papa’s house, he was pretty scared of Scott Farkus.  We had a good conversation about bullies.  “That bully is naughty Mama.  Santa bring him coal in him stocking.”

Here are the top 10 most memorable holiday moments of 2011:

1. “Santa” showed-up at Geoff’s house while Jake was there.  Taylor told him everything her little 4-year-old heart desires.  I guess it took all of 3 minutes before Jakey turned to Grandma and said, “That’s not Santa.  That’s Granddad.”  Grandma was surprised that even at 2-years-old, it appears he didn’t fall off the turnip truck.

Taylor (Geoff’s neighbor), “Santa” and Jake

2. Before watching a couple of Christmas movies, Jake did ask me, “Why Santa go up the North Pole?  Why he go up it?”  I could totally picture the mental image he was conjuring of a rotund Santa trying to scootch up a fireman pole in his fuzzy red suit.  Good question.

3. Nathaniel and I had a fabulous time wrapping presents and bouncing in the baby Einstein.  He likes Daddy’s new favorite Christmas carol, Dominique the Donkey, The Italian Christmas Donkey.  Then he crawled under the Christmas tree and pointed to it for me.  In case I hadn’t seen it yet.

4. Santa found the boys in Atwater, Santa Cruz and at Sigma Zu.  He ate the cookie at Nonna’s and the reindeer ate most of the carrots.  He forgot to close the fireplace screen at our house when he was delivering the new play table.

5. We took a day trip to the Ahwahnee for lunch.  There was no snow.  There were a lot of tourists.  Jacob didn’t throw-up this year, but he was grumpy.  Again.

6. Nate likes big boy toys.  He already knows how to take little cars and trucks and drive them while making motor sounds “vvvvvvvv, bbbbbbbb.”

7. At Grandma and Granddad’s house, “Granddad, why is your Christmas tree outside?”  Another good question.  I’d only get in trouble if I answered it…

8. Chocolate pie, honey-baked turkey, peppermint bark and Jake’s bottomless appetite for sandies.

9. Crab enchiladas?  No.  No gracias.

10. We packed the boys up in their Christmas pj’s, stopped for caramel ciders and brought cookies.  We then ate them all as we waited in the hour-long line to get into Vasona Park’s Fantasy of Lights.  Natesy slept through it.  Jakey and I got to cuddle in the passenger seat as we drove through the park and sang Christmas carols.  It was perfect.

P.S. I almost forgot about Nate going head first off Grandma’s lap into a bag of Christmas presents she was opening.  He could hardly believe it.

It’s the last day of 2011… and I’m getting Nate’s 9 month stats up on the blog just 27 hours before he turns 10.  I’ll aim to be more timely next year.

Weight: 22 lbs 3.4 oz: 76.30% (down from 85.65%)
Height: 2′ 4.5″: 59.91% (down from 90.85%)
Head Circumference: 45.5cm: 56.72% (up from 53%)

It appears, based on the data, that Natesy is now rollier than he is pollier.  I’m pretty sure this is just the calm before the storm.

He’s now a super speedy all-fours crawler.  Grandma can no longer refer to him with her politically incorrect description of his previous method of transport.  You should see him when he hears Jakey coming full-force from another room.  He either gets really excited and rushes to see what all the raucous is, or he turns and crawls for his life.  For good reason.

Based on this new level of activity, you’d think he’d be slimming down, but there’s been another turn of events.  Mr. Bananas Only Clamp-Lips now opens his little birdie mouth when anything resembling a spoon enters his airspace.  I was gearing-up to donate the exotic baby food medleys to a holiday food drive: banana, beet and blueberry?  Maybe for some unconventional, extreme-sport loving baby.  And broccoli, peas and pear?  I’m pretty sure a little pear will not be enough to mask the flavor of an actual vegetable.

We don’t really know what happened.  I’d like to take credit for some kind of grueling food training regimen or parental culinary miracle, but alas, I can’t.  His food switch flipped and now he likes it all.  He still does the Nate-shudder at the first bite of something new, but I fed him tuna salad today without incident.  Sometimes he’ll store up bites in his little squirrel cheeks, but those chubby fists can’t seem to shove cubes of pumpkin bread in fast enough.

Up next: locating his sleep switch.

Well, I wrote that blog earlier today… and then I saw this:

How impressive is that?!  To think, before he was famous, he used to call my cell phone, babble and then hang-up.

(Costa, if you’re reading this… Call me. *wink*)

All parents are over-impressed with their kids’ gifts and talents… it’s just an endearing fact of raising miniature people.  Last Thursday Natesy waved goodbye to Grandma for the first time.  We cheered and clapped like love-sick groupies.

It’s been no different with Jakey.  Just a week ago, he was looking at his favorite “cooking magazine” with his Daddy.  It’s actually a toy catalog.  They seem to rain down on our home in torrents from October through January.  “I want Santa bring me all these toys.”

So they’re reading the cooking magazine and Jake notices a telescope.
“Look Daddy, a listenscope.”

He’s told us about listenscopes before… we have no idea where they came from.

“What’s that for Jakey?” I ask.
“For watching meteor showers.”
“What’d you say?”
“For watching meteor showers.”
“Huh.  I thought that’s what you said.”  (See?  Clearly, as his mom, I’m impressed that at 2-years-old we’re discussing meteor showers.)

This morning he was using his toothbrush to “paint” on the bathroom window.

“Jakey, please stop putting your toothbrush on the window.  It goes in your mouth and that’s probably dirty.”
“I’m painting Mama.”
“Yes, I see you’re painting, but that’s yucky.”
“I’m painting a masterpiece Mama.”

Never argue with an artist.  Just nod in awe.

I do my best not to publish our dirty laundry on the internet– though it is tempting.  When surrounded by little boys, there is no limit to the number of embarrassing incidents and humbling anecdotes that are best not documented for the entire world to read.  Now with that said… here I go:

One of our favorite family rituals of 2011 has been waking-up on a weekend morning, driving the hill to Kelly’s Bakery for breakfast on the west side and then grocery shopping at New Leaf.  I must put in a plug for New Leaf as the unspoiled, crowd-free alternative to Whole Paycheck.  Jake can run through the aisles, barely harassing a soul.  I love it.  Except for inadvertently buying a jar of organic almond butter for $24– we’ve only had positive experiences with New Leaf.  Fortunately they accepted the return of said platinum-infused sandwich spread without hassle.  It had to have contained precious metals, right?

So back to my story.  We eat our usual deliciousness and Jake and I decide to go outside to chase birdies while Daddy and Natesy finish-up.  We’re in this very cute boutique store and Jakey is being so good “Not touching anything because it’s fragile, Mama?” when my cell phone rings.  In a tone I can only describe as irritated desperation, James implores me to meet him at the car immediately.

Jake and I show-up in our naivete and Nate is half naked on the tailgate on a brisk December morning, as I have the diaper bag.  Please pardon yet one more tangent…  when Jakey was a little baby I clearly remember one changing table incident I’ll describe no further than to say: Armpits.  OK, back to the tailgate.  If Jake can be summed-up as Armpits, Nate can be summed-up as Ankles.  There wasn’t a shred of clothing that survived.  Normally I would be prepared for such calamities, but I seem to have gotten overconfident.  We had to wrap a naked, freshly diapered Nathaniel up in a blanket and take him grocery shopping.  James was mortified to report on the state of the high chair he had frantically vacated–  when I heard this additional detail I must admit, I almost peed my pants laughing.  I really hope we can go back without being recognized.  You may find us at Gayle’s Bakery for the next few months…

It seems that was day one of Nate’s first bout with the stomach flu.  After a four outfit day yesterday, today I wised-up and dressed him in camo.

I’ve never really wondered what the best sound in the entire world is… and then I heard it.  The virtuous cycle of Natesy giggling, which makes Jakey giggle, which makes Natesy giggle even harder.  I’m sure even Mozart would agree.