One of my earliest memories is of my mom threatening to sell me in the newspaper.  I had a good childhood, really, I did.  Technically she was threatening my brother and me.  Geoff cried interminably for the first three years of his life and I most likely spent that time pushing his buttons to make him cry.  What can I say?  I’m pretty sure that’s in the big sister job description.  In any case, when she would say this, I would envision myself rolled-up in a newspaper like a burrito, laying on some stranger’s doorstep.  Years and years later I found out she meant that she was going to place an ad in the Sentinel.  I’d say my vision seems considerably more effective.

Earlier this week, those two rug rats at my house pushed me to my limit.  And so I got to thinking, what is the modern day equivalent of the classifieds?  Craig’s List of course.  And though I’ve since stepped away from the the ledge (and tossing them over it), I think I should probably write my post now so as to show them I really mean business:

Listed under the category: for sale: baby+kid.  And here I thought I’d need to create my own category… Looks like they already have one.

Location: What is the most remote sounding state?  Idaho?  Utah?  Oooh, they have a link for Guam.


(From experience, brand names and stars are the best way to get a lot of hits.  Do the all caps make it sound like I’m yelling?…  Good.)

Two healthy preschoolers for sale.  Like new condition.  Well-maintained on expensive organic food, clean water, and fresh air.  Minor scratches and scrapes— generally self-healing.  Extremely long-lasting rechargeable batteries included.  Prefer fuel of high octane treats.  Features include roaring at surprisingly high decibels, advanced negotiation skills, hiding under bunk beds while naked, and dancing around in piles of Swiffered debris.  One is potty-trained.  Both are almost digitally literate.  Rarely come when called; hearing likely broken and irreparable.  Sold as a set only; will throw-in mountains of toys, parmesan cheese, and dirty laundry for free.

Pricing available upon request.  Free shipping.  Serious buyers only.

* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with Child Protective Services or other interests


They took this picture all by themselves!


  1. this is awesome.

  2. Thanks. Does that mean you’ll take them? :)

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