Yes I know.  I told you not to read the warning on your bunk bed.  But I didn’t tell you not to read the warning on mine:


First up, the word entrapment freaks me out.  How can I fall asleep with visions of a bed that could silently squeeze the life out my most darling bambinos?  I prefer my entrapment of the Catherine Zeta-Jones variety.

Rule #1 is not to allow anyone under 6 years of age on the upper bunk.  Meanwhile, who really buys a bunk bed unless they have limited space and more kids than fit in said space?  And usually those kids are much younger than 6 when you need to begin stacking them on top of each other, literally.  So considering we let Jacob sleep up top at the ripe old age of 4, rule #1 is out the window.  Plus Nate climbs up there fast as a squirrel.  So Nate’s out the window, too.

Rules #2 and #3 are about the size and depth of your mattress.  When you buy a bed you really should always factor in the cost of the mattress, or in this case, mattresses, before determining if you can afford it.  Styrofoam peanuts or balled-up bathroom towels are not a replacement for a real mattress.  Got it.

Rule #4 is about using guardrails on both sides of the top bunk.  Fortunately we have that in place now.  I’ve removed the two Euro pillows stuffed into the window crevice that clearly were the stars in my mental movies of entrapment.

Rule #5 is the one I repeat most often: “Horseplay is prohibited on or under this bed!”  Maybe I have to repeat it so often because I’m not lecturing horses.  I’m disciplining monkeys.

Rule #6 says to prohibit more than one person on the upper bunk.  This rule is completely useless because I can’t enforce a hypocritical rule when I need to read books in the top bunk and climb up there to yank horses down for playing.

Rule #7 commands the use of the ladder to get up and down from the top bunk.  In less than 10 minutes Jacob realized he could easily climb up to the top bunk without the ladder.  This was an unfortunate realization.  Then there was about 30 seconds where he thought he was safely out of reach and immune to consequences.  We dispelled that right quick.  That was a fortunate realization.

Rule #8’s all about entrapment and walls again.  I think we’ve covered that nightmare sufficiently.  The editor of this label really should have considered combining #8 and #4.  I’m glad my job is not editing bunk bed labels.  Talk about nightmares…

Rule #9 says not to exceed 165 pounds on the upper bunk.  James uses this as his excuse not to read bedtime books up top.  Maybe I can fatten Jakey up and save myself the unflattering climb up and down.

And Rule #10 paints pictures of bunk bed strangulation via jump rope.

It’s a wonder any literate kid can fall asleep up there.


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